and something tells me there must be something better than all this
ive fallen many times in love and every time
its been with the wrong man
still im out there living one day at a time and doing the best i can
cause weve all made mistakes that seem to lead us astray
but every time they helped to get us where we are today
and thats a good a place as any and its probably where were best off anyway
its a long and rugged road and we dont know where its headed
but we know its going to get us where were going
and when we find what were looking for well drop these bags and search no more
cause its going to feel like heaven when were home
its going to feel like heaven when were home
- "heaven when we're home" by the wailin' jennys
ive been thinking a lot over the weekend. ive had plenty of time to myself and without distractions i think about my life too much. so ive had a lot of things that have been building up inside that i want to say.
ive been wanting to start a blog for a while. i havent because i wonder if anyone im not close to even cares to know what i have to say. if someone wanted to know what i thought they could ask me. who besides my friends wants to know about my life and thoughts anyway?
but here i am. this is more for me anyway. aside from that though, i like to share my life with people and, as a bonus, this is another way that i can connect with others and maybe even help someone else out. so enjoy :)
so im thinking most of this first blog will be a mash up of the basics of me plus what has been rolling around in my head all weekend. here goes...
this last week ive had many reminders from others that, yes, im still single. i know people mean well. i appreciate the encouragement i get and the fact that the people around me love me and want the best for me. but at the same time i havent found the right person yet. its just the way it is. yes its something i want with all my heart and soul but why should i dwell on it if it isnt a reality right now? ive never been happier in my life than i have been in the last year. ive never felt more alive or felt more at home because i have made the most amazing friends that i have connected with and love so much. they are beautiful people who have touched my heart in a deep place. they love like Jesus loves and accept people for their complete self--faults and all. this leads to the feeling of freedom. i have experienced freedom with them. its very important to me in particular because i live in fear for so much of my life. allow me to explain. i worry about what other people think of me. really everything i do is to please those around me--and not in a healthy way. i worry about everything i say, do, wear, think, like, and its very burdensome. i dont trust my judgement. i dont think i am smart enough in conversations. i dont think im pretty enough. i wonder if i have offended someone with something i said or did and if i didnt meet their set criteria or the mold they were looking for me to fit. i carry around so much doubt and fear and its a heavy load that i dont need to be carrying around. Jesus didnt create us to be burdened but to have freedom in Him. i am finally beginning to experience it. im throwing off the cares that plague me and learning to love and accept others for who they are and in the process learning to love and accept myself for who i am. the most incredible thing ive learned is that this develops ground for real and lasting change. love isnt forced. love is a beautiful thing when it can grow without expectations, rules, and regulations.
all that being said i know that my friends and family dont worry about me. i have my standards and now more than ever i will. not. settle. i know what im looking for. i know it exists.
i need to start giving myself more credit too. living up to other peoples standards only makes me feel like a failure because everyone wants something different. i cant be everything to everyone. but what i do know, what ive been realizing, is that i do have a lot to offer. i listen. maybe i dont give the best advice every time but i will help however i can to the best of my ability. i will look for an opportunity to bless people. i love making others happy. i believe ive been given the gift of being a people person. i have to use that to bless others. other peoples opinions can make me feel like im in the wrong, but im realizing that my opinion is valid. i might not be able to explain myself properly and defend my position and get someone to see my point of view, but my decision making is sound and i have made many, many good decisions looking back at the ones i have made so far and the point where i have arrived at now. i seek the counsel of those around me whom i trust and look up to--people who will give me godly advice and who i know seek God in their own decision making in their lives. and i wont let someone else tear down my confidence because i know what im worth. confidence and a beautiful spirit is key. that comes from knowing who i am and feeling secure in that. im striving for that everyday now.
and so ends the pep talk portion of the blog. if you made it this far.
on a different note here, i am leaving on sunday to travel to egypt for a week to visit my grandma and various aunts, uncles, and cousins i dont know existed. should be fun! and then i fly to belgium for 3 days to visit a family i know from the church i used to attend. it will mark my first visit to europe. i have been wanting to travel all over europe for years now. i am so excited to start my journey there! i dont know how much access to a computer i will have but i am hoping i will have the ability to blog at least once while i am there.
well here ends my first blog. i still have much to say so this is only the beginning of many more. if you have any response--comments, questions, concerns, accusations, constructive criticisms, destructive criticisms, random outbursts--TELL ME! i would love to hear what you think :)
ive been wanting to start a blog for a while. i havent because i wonder if anyone im not close to even cares to know what i have to say. if someone wanted to know what i thought they could ask me. who besides my friends wants to know about my life and thoughts anyway?
but here i am. this is more for me anyway. aside from that though, i like to share my life with people and, as a bonus, this is another way that i can connect with others and maybe even help someone else out. so enjoy :)
so im thinking most of this first blog will be a mash up of the basics of me plus what has been rolling around in my head all weekend. here goes...
this last week ive had many reminders from others that, yes, im still single. i know people mean well. i appreciate the encouragement i get and the fact that the people around me love me and want the best for me. but at the same time i havent found the right person yet. its just the way it is. yes its something i want with all my heart and soul but why should i dwell on it if it isnt a reality right now? ive never been happier in my life than i have been in the last year. ive never felt more alive or felt more at home because i have made the most amazing friends that i have connected with and love so much. they are beautiful people who have touched my heart in a deep place. they love like Jesus loves and accept people for their complete self--faults and all. this leads to the feeling of freedom. i have experienced freedom with them. its very important to me in particular because i live in fear for so much of my life. allow me to explain. i worry about what other people think of me. really everything i do is to please those around me--and not in a healthy way. i worry about everything i say, do, wear, think, like, and its very burdensome. i dont trust my judgement. i dont think i am smart enough in conversations. i dont think im pretty enough. i wonder if i have offended someone with something i said or did and if i didnt meet their set criteria or the mold they were looking for me to fit. i carry around so much doubt and fear and its a heavy load that i dont need to be carrying around. Jesus didnt create us to be burdened but to have freedom in Him. i am finally beginning to experience it. im throwing off the cares that plague me and learning to love and accept others for who they are and in the process learning to love and accept myself for who i am. the most incredible thing ive learned is that this develops ground for real and lasting change. love isnt forced. love is a beautiful thing when it can grow without expectations, rules, and regulations.
all that being said i know that my friends and family dont worry about me. i have my standards and now more than ever i will. not. settle. i know what im looking for. i know it exists.
i need to start giving myself more credit too. living up to other peoples standards only makes me feel like a failure because everyone wants something different. i cant be everything to everyone. but what i do know, what ive been realizing, is that i do have a lot to offer. i listen. maybe i dont give the best advice every time but i will help however i can to the best of my ability. i will look for an opportunity to bless people. i love making others happy. i believe ive been given the gift of being a people person. i have to use that to bless others. other peoples opinions can make me feel like im in the wrong, but im realizing that my opinion is valid. i might not be able to explain myself properly and defend my position and get someone to see my point of view, but my decision making is sound and i have made many, many good decisions looking back at the ones i have made so far and the point where i have arrived at now. i seek the counsel of those around me whom i trust and look up to--people who will give me godly advice and who i know seek God in their own decision making in their lives. and i wont let someone else tear down my confidence because i know what im worth. confidence and a beautiful spirit is key. that comes from knowing who i am and feeling secure in that. im striving for that everyday now.
and so ends the pep talk portion of the blog. if you made it this far.
on a different note here, i am leaving on sunday to travel to egypt for a week to visit my grandma and various aunts, uncles, and cousins i dont know existed. should be fun! and then i fly to belgium for 3 days to visit a family i know from the church i used to attend. it will mark my first visit to europe. i have been wanting to travel all over europe for years now. i am so excited to start my journey there! i dont know how much access to a computer i will have but i am hoping i will have the ability to blog at least once while i am there.
well here ends my first blog. i still have much to say so this is only the beginning of many more. if you have any response--comments, questions, concerns, accusations, constructive criticisms, destructive criticisms, random outbursts--TELL ME! i would love to hear what you think :)
