yelling at a wall

i have no idea why i am so annoyed with certain people. they are just being themselves. but it bugs me. they have every right to be different but i cant stand it.
my mom.
i have such a hard time loving her. i love her because shes my mom. but if we werent related i dont think i would spend any time with her. today i drove her to the hospital for an appointment. no big deal. but its always the little things. she left her purse with me as she went in. "dont lose my purse" she says.
...........im sitting right next to it. it will be very hard to lose it.
we are walking out of the hospital and she asks me three or four times why we arent leaving through a certain door we came in. i keep telling her we will still be able to get out this way and that its not an issue. i walked this way twice while she was at her appointment so i know where it leads.
the entire time im driving she does the mom thing. she jumps in her seat anytime someone in front of us hits their brakelights. she grabs onto the side door handles for dear life every 5 minutes or so. she points out the direction we should be going in even though ive driven that freeway countless times. it put me on edge. she warns me about a stalled car that EVERYONE AND THEIR MOM was going around in the middle of the road. I SAW IT. IVE BEEN DRIVING FOR HOW MANY YEARS NOW? I KNOW HOW. I PROMISE. so i kinda flipped out. not the best idea.
then she tells me my cousin is going to get engaged next month. oh thats weird i said. because usually you dont know youre going to get engaged. that would take all the fun out of it. no it wouldnt, she said, she has to tell people about the party. OBVI my mom thinks that getting engaged and having an engagement party are the same thing. which THEY ARENT. so then i proceed to tell her this difference and she says are you from the moon?
what?! i say. she thinks getting engaged and an engagement party are the same thing and IM from the moon?! oh god. no it is not the same thing i told her.
she says fine. youre right (sarcastically of course because she would never say this under any circumstance when she is being completely serious and honest).
i AM right i say.
and thats when i felt my wall go back up. i felt it divide that car right down the middle. ive been thinking things were finally on the up and up. which they might still be. but at that moment i closed myself off again. i dont trust her. its sad. its sad when you see other girls having an open relationship with their mothers and you dont know what thats like.

you know what else bugs me? girls getting the guys i like(d). even if it doesnt mean anything to the guy and everyone including the girl knows it. heres a piece of advice: if you are struggling with being physical with someone and you want to NOT do that, DONT HANG OUT WITH HIM WHEN ITS JUST THE TWO OF YOU ALONE. im tired of talking about it. i dont want to hear about it anymore.

im giving up complaining

it doesnt do me or anyone around me any good. i want to live in the moment and laugh at things that would normally upset me because living any other way is tiring. and i want to spend more time with my Creator and fall more in love with Him because there im certain ill find absolute peace and i can finally release my worries and my cares and be finally free.

secret struggle

im so conflicted. this is my daily battle.


im really considering the possibility of not spending the rest of my life with you.


and it scares me.


i KNOW what they talk about now. when they say "you just know." when they say "youll know when you know. when you find that one person you cant live without." i never understood before you.


but what they never told me was what to do if it was a one sided feeling. if he doesnt feel the same way. or what to do when i take a chance and theres a real possibility that after ive jumped, i realize my safe landing is probably not there. it never was. i didnt check before i leapt.


it. shakes. my. world.


i absolutely cannot bear the thought of not having him by my side for the rest of my life. holding my hand. being my steady constant.


please, Jesus, please dont take him away from me.


what if he is exactly what i want--but he doesnt feel the same way about me? is that settling?


im near tears.


do i give up? or do i fight for what i love??? no matter the cost. how long do i wait? is it silly to hold onto a strong feeling?


i play the mraz song on repeat. every word echoes the secret i hold inside. its torture but i dont see any better option right now.