i have been obsessed with the idea of love for as long as i can remember. the idea that you love someone so much that you become this incredibly happy person and you smile like an idiot and all your free time is spent thinking about this person and you want to do cute things for him or her and it's just one big long love fest where you are so focused on someone else's happiness that you become filled with joy in the process.
and why have i been stuck on this idea for so long? sure it's great. but is it the greatest thing? i've pinned all my hopes on this and waited for it and worked on myself for it. i've set my life goals to revolve around this idea because it wasn't even a question in my mind that one day i would be married.
i just didn't think it would take this long.
okay yes i am picky. i don't regret it though. if i have such a strong desire for this then it isn't something to take lightly. it would have been incredibly easy to find anyone to fill that role i wanted so badly. and it could have happened a few times. but the time was never right and it never worked out in my favor. i never wanted to settle.
i was praying today and asking god why. why do i have to wait so long for something i've wanted for my entire life? that i've been trying to wait patiently for and coming up with millions of excuses why it hasn't happened yet? gifts from god aren't something you work for. it's a gift after all. so if it's a gift, then why has god seen me unfit to receive yet? am i doing something wrong?? am i missing some big truth that's right in front of my face?
of course i know that i am doing my best and that this is not something i am going to earn. i know plenty of women my age or older that are still single. and they are strong, independent women who still have hope too. that is so inspiring. because sometimes i feel like just giving up. just throwing up my hands and saying "well i gave it a good 23 years but clearly it's not happening so it's time to move on." but i look at these women and think about how they are still being true to who they are and still learning and growing and they don't need a human being to complete their life. and i remember that i am an individual and that i have so many things to accomplish on my own if necessary. if that's my lot in life. and that is okay. i asked god to remind me that he is the one that sustains me and the reason i am alive and breathing everyday. i want him only to be the source of my happiness and hope. because if he isn't (i'm sure you've heard the cliche before...) then no one can fill that spot.
but i'm still wondering why.
how do you forget something you crave? i pray to find my purpose. i would love to find what i love and be able to fully throw myself into it and put all my attention and energy into it to help others instead of focusing so much on myself and what i desire. because it isn't the be all end all of life. i can still live a purposeful and meaningful life even if i'm on my own for the rest of my life. i just pray that that's not the case.
