I don't deserve to be treated like shit. I don't deserve it at all.
The problem with caring and having a heart for the broken people of the world is that I get hurt on their broken pieces a lot.
I willingly do this. But I have to make sure it's worth it. Someone who won't cut me down over and over. Someone who sees my priceless worth.
Because I truly deserve the best.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Escalator
I know that I am walking into this with eyes wide open and deliberate steps. It's like I'm on one of those flat escalators and I see a sign at the end of it saying, "Point of No Return". And I'm torn because I don't want to be on the escalator. I know I'm not supposed to be on that escalator. I know that's not what the plan is. But I have never had an experience like this before and I've always wanted to know what it's like.
I know I'm settling. But it's also addictive. It hasn't overtaken me.
Yet.
But I know that sign keeps looming closer and closer and if I don't make a decision soon, I may be sucked in. I've held on for so long and refused to get on the escalator. I stayed on the sidelines like a good girl and I've been proud of myself even. I was going to wait there until the time was right. But I also craved love something fierce all my life. How could I resist something I've been denied for so long?
But who am I kidding?! This isn't love! I'm only hoping that it could actually become that one day. Although, he's made it very clear it never will be. Still, I've always been the hopeful fool. I believe in God's miracles and I believe when the time is right, God will perform one in my life and it will be because I've believed for so very long and have known all the while He was looking out for me, saving me in so many situations, and loving and desiring me so much more than I can comprehend right now.
So, why can't I respond with what I know He wants me to do? Why do I still feel like I'd be missing out if I don't try this? I honestly would regret not trying.
So, the sign looms closer. And all I can do is pray that God saves me from myself and teaches me to trust Him for the 2,493rd time. Actually, that number is probably very conservative.
In the end, no matter what, I know Who my heart belongs to and that's why I walk forward with no fear. Even if I get to that sign, I'm not worried because Jesus is there the whole time and I know His will is done for now and evermore.
I know I'm settling. But it's also addictive. It hasn't overtaken me.
Yet.
But I know that sign keeps looming closer and closer and if I don't make a decision soon, I may be sucked in. I've held on for so long and refused to get on the escalator. I stayed on the sidelines like a good girl and I've been proud of myself even. I was going to wait there until the time was right. But I also craved love something fierce all my life. How could I resist something I've been denied for so long?
But who am I kidding?! This isn't love! I'm only hoping that it could actually become that one day. Although, he's made it very clear it never will be. Still, I've always been the hopeful fool. I believe in God's miracles and I believe when the time is right, God will perform one in my life and it will be because I've believed for so very long and have known all the while He was looking out for me, saving me in so many situations, and loving and desiring me so much more than I can comprehend right now.
So, why can't I respond with what I know He wants me to do? Why do I still feel like I'd be missing out if I don't try this? I honestly would regret not trying.
So, the sign looms closer. And all I can do is pray that God saves me from myself and teaches me to trust Him for the 2,493rd time. Actually, that number is probably very conservative.
In the end, no matter what, I know Who my heart belongs to and that's why I walk forward with no fear. Even if I get to that sign, I'm not worried because Jesus is there the whole time and I know His will is done for now and evermore.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Monday, March 31, 2014
It is well with my soul.
Recently, I decided to let go of someone who has become important to me over the course of the last 5 months. I haven't wanted to. I've resisted. I've tried to push the envelope and make it happen with him anyway. I've hoped and prayed and tried to pursue it in my own way and timing.
I keep forgetting that God is in charge of my life. He holds my heart first. I am His because no one else has sacrificed for me like He did. No one loves me as much as He does. He loves me!! All to Him I owe.
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. The Lord has given me this wonderful guy in my life. I learned and experienced and fell hard for him. And it was beautiful. And now the Lord is asking me to let go. It is painful. But it is well with my soul. Because I believe that God loves me and His plan and timing for my future husband surpasses mine. I don't know much. I have no control over anything. God gives to me and I receive in a way that glorifies Him and when He decides to take it away, I must realize it was not mine to begin with but the Lord's. He is in control. I trust Him.
So I am letting go. I am giving it back, surrendering. Because I can't change that boy. I can't save him. That has to be God. I believe that God can do it. I believe that my God is a God of miracles. It might not happen on my time table or in the way I think it will, because I'm focused on my own pleasure and desires. But I'll keep praying because I believe in God's way above all and I want to be a part of the mission. I care about that man and I want him to have the joy, peace, forgiveness, and love that I experience from my Savior. Even if I can't have him in my life, I want him to know what it's like to be truly loved and the freedom and joy that comes from that.
"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
But, Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!"
I keep forgetting that God is in charge of my life. He holds my heart first. I am His because no one else has sacrificed for me like He did. No one loves me as much as He does. He loves me!! All to Him I owe.
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. The Lord has given me this wonderful guy in my life. I learned and experienced and fell hard for him. And it was beautiful. And now the Lord is asking me to let go. It is painful. But it is well with my soul. Because I believe that God loves me and His plan and timing for my future husband surpasses mine. I don't know much. I have no control over anything. God gives to me and I receive in a way that glorifies Him and when He decides to take it away, I must realize it was not mine to begin with but the Lord's. He is in control. I trust Him.
So I am letting go. I am giving it back, surrendering. Because I can't change that boy. I can't save him. That has to be God. I believe that God can do it. I believe that my God is a God of miracles. It might not happen on my time table or in the way I think it will, because I'm focused on my own pleasure and desires. But I'll keep praying because I believe in God's way above all and I want to be a part of the mission. I care about that man and I want him to have the joy, peace, forgiveness, and love that I experience from my Savior. Even if I can't have him in my life, I want him to know what it's like to be truly loved and the freedom and joy that comes from that.
"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
But, Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!"
Friday, December 13, 2013
hope
why do we always go for the people we can't have?
seriously.
it's like i'm somehow compulsively attracted to the ones it will never work out with--even when consciously i think it will. is there a bigger force at factor? am i subconsciously sabotaging myself and not even knowing it? i try so hard to be honest with myself and my own feelings. granted, i will concede that i know but a pinch of the knowledge that exists in this universe and even then i choose to focus on a fraction of that knowledge because i am human and i don't have the ability to consider every option from every angle and all of the other factors at work on all levels. but i try to have a sober and open mind to consider the issues that come up in my life and when i listen to others talk about theirs.
there are some days where i have a large handful of men that give me a second glance or a shy smile and i brush them off like it's no big deal. because why? because i'm not attracted to them. because i don't feel that instant connection with them. because, honestly, they aren't what i'm looking for.
i want something undeniable. i want something i simply cannot ignore. it overtakes me in the best possible way and changes me to be a better person everyday. i want something passionate, grounding, empowering, freeing, clarifying, comfortable, fun, and loving. one of my favorite quotes says, "unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. there are too many mediocre things in life; love should not be one of them." i believe that with every fiber of my being. don't settle. i don't want something normal and nice. i want something that i can't help but believe in. that draws me in and entrances me.
luckily, i have a love like that already. my relationship with christ has been growing steadily and has provided me with all of the above attributes and so much more. i am in love with my savior. he brings me to happy tears a lot. he loves me more than any human can. i am eternally grateful and forever his.
but
i still want one of those earthly, this side of heaven relationships. even god said, "it is not good for man to be alone." it's not good for me to be alone! i have it written in my heart. this is my daily struggle. i have learned so much through this struggle. it has made me more compassionate, wiser, more trusting in my lord, and it has pushed me beyond my limits to rest in the only one who has the answers. i am grateful to god for this struggle and all it has taught me and shaped me into. all the people i have made a connection with because of it, whether i was helping them or (probably most of the time) when they were helping me, has been worth it. praise god!
the point of this post is mostly to encourage myself. because when it doesn't work out with someone, and things seem hopeless, i know in my bones it isn't. i will always have hope. even if i never end up with someone and i am single for the rest of my life. i have hope in something greater. that doesn't mean i wouldn't struggle everyday with the why or the despair i would feel, i would just know there was a bigger purpose and that i still have work to do and people to help because i am in the lord's service. but god knows my heart and he knows every tear i cry and every inexpressible pang of hurt or loneliness i feel. i know that he will answer my prayer someday.
seriously.
it's like i'm somehow compulsively attracted to the ones it will never work out with--even when consciously i think it will. is there a bigger force at factor? am i subconsciously sabotaging myself and not even knowing it? i try so hard to be honest with myself and my own feelings. granted, i will concede that i know but a pinch of the knowledge that exists in this universe and even then i choose to focus on a fraction of that knowledge because i am human and i don't have the ability to consider every option from every angle and all of the other factors at work on all levels. but i try to have a sober and open mind to consider the issues that come up in my life and when i listen to others talk about theirs.
there are some days where i have a large handful of men that give me a second glance or a shy smile and i brush them off like it's no big deal. because why? because i'm not attracted to them. because i don't feel that instant connection with them. because, honestly, they aren't what i'm looking for.
i want something undeniable. i want something i simply cannot ignore. it overtakes me in the best possible way and changes me to be a better person everyday. i want something passionate, grounding, empowering, freeing, clarifying, comfortable, fun, and loving. one of my favorite quotes says, "unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. there are too many mediocre things in life; love should not be one of them." i believe that with every fiber of my being. don't settle. i don't want something normal and nice. i want something that i can't help but believe in. that draws me in and entrances me.
luckily, i have a love like that already. my relationship with christ has been growing steadily and has provided me with all of the above attributes and so much more. i am in love with my savior. he brings me to happy tears a lot. he loves me more than any human can. i am eternally grateful and forever his.
but
i still want one of those earthly, this side of heaven relationships. even god said, "it is not good for man to be alone." it's not good for me to be alone! i have it written in my heart. this is my daily struggle. i have learned so much through this struggle. it has made me more compassionate, wiser, more trusting in my lord, and it has pushed me beyond my limits to rest in the only one who has the answers. i am grateful to god for this struggle and all it has taught me and shaped me into. all the people i have made a connection with because of it, whether i was helping them or (probably most of the time) when they were helping me, has been worth it. praise god!
the point of this post is mostly to encourage myself. because when it doesn't work out with someone, and things seem hopeless, i know in my bones it isn't. i will always have hope. even if i never end up with someone and i am single for the rest of my life. i have hope in something greater. that doesn't mean i wouldn't struggle everyday with the why or the despair i would feel, i would just know there was a bigger purpose and that i still have work to do and people to help because i am in the lord's service. but god knows my heart and he knows every tear i cry and every inexpressible pang of hurt or loneliness i feel. i know that he will answer my prayer someday.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
doubt
i have been obsessed with the idea of love for as long as i can remember. the idea that you love someone so much that you become this incredibly happy person and you smile like an idiot and all your free time is spent thinking about this person and you want to do cute things for him or her and it's just one big long love fest where you are so focused on someone else's happiness that you become filled with joy in the process.
and why have i been stuck on this idea for so long? sure it's great. but is it the greatest thing? i've pinned all my hopes on this and waited for it and worked on myself for it. i've set my life goals to revolve around this idea because it wasn't even a question in my mind that one day i would be married.
i just didn't think it would take this long.
okay yes i am picky. i don't regret it though. if i have such a strong desire for this then it isn't something to take lightly. it would have been incredibly easy to find anyone to fill that role i wanted so badly. and it could have happened a few times. but the time was never right and it never worked out in my favor. i never wanted to settle.
i was praying today and asking god why. why do i have to wait so long for something i've wanted for my entire life? that i've been trying to wait patiently for and coming up with millions of excuses why it hasn't happened yet? gifts from god aren't something you work for. it's a gift after all. so if it's a gift, then why has god seen me unfit to receive yet? am i doing something wrong?? am i missing some big truth that's right in front of my face?
of course i know that i am doing my best and that this is not something i am going to earn. i know plenty of women my age or older that are still single. and they are strong, independent women who still have hope too. that is so inspiring. because sometimes i feel like just giving up. just throwing up my hands and saying "well i gave it a good 23 years but clearly it's not happening so it's time to move on." but i look at these women and think about how they are still being true to who they are and still learning and growing and they don't need a human being to complete their life. and i remember that i am an individual and that i have so many things to accomplish on my own if necessary. if that's my lot in life. and that is okay. i asked god to remind me that he is the one that sustains me and the reason i am alive and breathing everyday. i want him only to be the source of my happiness and hope. because if he isn't (i'm sure you've heard the cliche before...) then no one can fill that spot.
but i'm still wondering why.
how do you forget something you crave? i pray to find my purpose. i would love to find what i love and be able to fully throw myself into it and put all my attention and energy into it to help others instead of focusing so much on myself and what i desire. because it isn't the be all end all of life. i can still live a purposeful and meaningful life even if i'm on my own for the rest of my life. i just pray that that's not the case.
and why have i been stuck on this idea for so long? sure it's great. but is it the greatest thing? i've pinned all my hopes on this and waited for it and worked on myself for it. i've set my life goals to revolve around this idea because it wasn't even a question in my mind that one day i would be married.
i just didn't think it would take this long.
okay yes i am picky. i don't regret it though. if i have such a strong desire for this then it isn't something to take lightly. it would have been incredibly easy to find anyone to fill that role i wanted so badly. and it could have happened a few times. but the time was never right and it never worked out in my favor. i never wanted to settle.
i was praying today and asking god why. why do i have to wait so long for something i've wanted for my entire life? that i've been trying to wait patiently for and coming up with millions of excuses why it hasn't happened yet? gifts from god aren't something you work for. it's a gift after all. so if it's a gift, then why has god seen me unfit to receive yet? am i doing something wrong?? am i missing some big truth that's right in front of my face?
of course i know that i am doing my best and that this is not something i am going to earn. i know plenty of women my age or older that are still single. and they are strong, independent women who still have hope too. that is so inspiring. because sometimes i feel like just giving up. just throwing up my hands and saying "well i gave it a good 23 years but clearly it's not happening so it's time to move on." but i look at these women and think about how they are still being true to who they are and still learning and growing and they don't need a human being to complete their life. and i remember that i am an individual and that i have so many things to accomplish on my own if necessary. if that's my lot in life. and that is okay. i asked god to remind me that he is the one that sustains me and the reason i am alive and breathing everyday. i want him only to be the source of my happiness and hope. because if he isn't (i'm sure you've heard the cliche before...) then no one can fill that spot.
but i'm still wondering why.
how do you forget something you crave? i pray to find my purpose. i would love to find what i love and be able to fully throw myself into it and put all my attention and energy into it to help others instead of focusing so much on myself and what i desire. because it isn't the be all end all of life. i can still live a purposeful and meaningful life even if i'm on my own for the rest of my life. i just pray that that's not the case.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
the way back home
i made it back home safely! this trip has been special to say the least. so many great memories that i have to cherish and a deeper connection with all the people i was lucky to spend time with along the way. i learned a lot. about myself, about others, about god, about places that aren't california. it's weird to say i grew in a month and a half of being away from home but i know i have.
the goals i set for myself at the beginning of the trip have almost all been accomplished. i learned more fully to live in the moment and let tomorrow's problems worry about themselves. things didn't always work out exactly as i planned them but i embraced the reality that life isn't mine to control. i can be persistent but i can't push something to happen. i can only be happy with my place in life and let go of the rest. i cannot be everything to every person in my life and that's okay. i won't see eye to eye with everyone and i won't be able to please everyone when i have an opinion and that's okay. i have incredible people in my life. that is an understatement. through getting to visit everyone i have felt so loved and i have so much love for the people in my life that i feel content with where i am at right now. i am learning to listen for god's voice and what direction he is guiding me in. i got a lot of prayer time in and a lot of time to just be with god and to re-center myself. and it was amazing! i feel like a better person and so much more whole and ready to serve others.
i think a huge turning point was this last weekend. i sat down and watched a todd white video (he talks about jesus and loving people a lot) and i felt renewed afterward. but there were so many other god-things the rest of the weekend and beyond that kept speaking to me. fear can be so detrimental and i certainly have lived in fear for much of my life. when we love and are loved, fear shouldn't even be a thought. "perfect love casts out all fear." over and over i saw and heard different things that reiterated this idea and i am reevaluating how i view fear in my own life and why and then focusing on love and letting my fear go. so many times the idea of being grounded in who you are and being able to have an opinion and respectfully voice it kept coming up in different conversations or movies or thoughts i had. i have always struggled with that. i've always struggled with being unsure of where i stand and with not wanting to offend anyone so i end up keeping my opinions to myself. i want to be secure in what i believe and have the confidence to voice it. and this also leads to another idea of being able to be decisive. for too long i've been indecisive about so many things. i've been envious of people who can make a decision and stick with it without putting weeks of thought into it. while not always a bad thing, i tend to do that too much and it results in me being wishy-washy all the time. it's better to pick something and go with it and even if i "fail forward" at least i am growing and changing and learning. i should allow my failures to lead me to my successes. purpose is crucial because "without a purpose we default to selfishness, which is myopic as it is hard to see outside of our own circumstance." knowing my identity, who i am, and what my purpose is, will shape how i approach my decisions and how i decide what to do.
like i said, i've learned a lot! i'm excited about all the things i've learned and now i get to put it all into practice where the rubber meets the road in everyday life back at home. i know it won't be easy but it will certainly be worth it.
so the rest of my trip went a little something like this:
san antonio:
we went to see "the great gatsby" directed by my favorite director baz luhrmann and i loved it. and the best part was that we went to the alamo drafthouse where they serve dinner during the movie. and instead of the behind the scenes clips they usually play before the movie, they played clips from old black and white movies. it was perfect! i loved it. we also went to austin and walked around downtown for a bit. i got to meet up with my wonderful friend sophia which was awesome.
phoenix:
we went to downtown phoenix. although it was 100 degrees so we didn't last very long outside. katy and i went to an artwalk in scottsdale and we met some really nice people there. the art was so diverse and really awesome to see and meet the people who created the pieces. i saw "the great gatsby" again but at a drive in this time (i love drive ins!). i went to church with joanne. i had great talks with katy and joanne. it was the perfect end to my road trip.
i had so much fun. i was incredibly sad when it was over and i was driving home. i still have july to look forward to when i take on the west coast for a week with a few friends of mine. but now i can put into practice all that i've learned and keep becoming the person i want to be. thanks for being a part of my journey! it makes the experience so much richer when i am able to share it with others :)
the goals i set for myself at the beginning of the trip have almost all been accomplished. i learned more fully to live in the moment and let tomorrow's problems worry about themselves. things didn't always work out exactly as i planned them but i embraced the reality that life isn't mine to control. i can be persistent but i can't push something to happen. i can only be happy with my place in life and let go of the rest. i cannot be everything to every person in my life and that's okay. i won't see eye to eye with everyone and i won't be able to please everyone when i have an opinion and that's okay. i have incredible people in my life. that is an understatement. through getting to visit everyone i have felt so loved and i have so much love for the people in my life that i feel content with where i am at right now. i am learning to listen for god's voice and what direction he is guiding me in. i got a lot of prayer time in and a lot of time to just be with god and to re-center myself. and it was amazing! i feel like a better person and so much more whole and ready to serve others.
i think a huge turning point was this last weekend. i sat down and watched a todd white video (he talks about jesus and loving people a lot) and i felt renewed afterward. but there were so many other god-things the rest of the weekend and beyond that kept speaking to me. fear can be so detrimental and i certainly have lived in fear for much of my life. when we love and are loved, fear shouldn't even be a thought. "perfect love casts out all fear." over and over i saw and heard different things that reiterated this idea and i am reevaluating how i view fear in my own life and why and then focusing on love and letting my fear go. so many times the idea of being grounded in who you are and being able to have an opinion and respectfully voice it kept coming up in different conversations or movies or thoughts i had. i have always struggled with that. i've always struggled with being unsure of where i stand and with not wanting to offend anyone so i end up keeping my opinions to myself. i want to be secure in what i believe and have the confidence to voice it. and this also leads to another idea of being able to be decisive. for too long i've been indecisive about so many things. i've been envious of people who can make a decision and stick with it without putting weeks of thought into it. while not always a bad thing, i tend to do that too much and it results in me being wishy-washy all the time. it's better to pick something and go with it and even if i "fail forward" at least i am growing and changing and learning. i should allow my failures to lead me to my successes. purpose is crucial because "without a purpose we default to selfishness, which is myopic as it is hard to see outside of our own circumstance." knowing my identity, who i am, and what my purpose is, will shape how i approach my decisions and how i decide what to do.
like i said, i've learned a lot! i'm excited about all the things i've learned and now i get to put it all into practice where the rubber meets the road in everyday life back at home. i know it won't be easy but it will certainly be worth it.
so the rest of my trip went a little something like this:
san antonio:
we went to see "the great gatsby" directed by my favorite director baz luhrmann and i loved it. and the best part was that we went to the alamo drafthouse where they serve dinner during the movie. and instead of the behind the scenes clips they usually play before the movie, they played clips from old black and white movies. it was perfect! i loved it. we also went to austin and walked around downtown for a bit. i got to meet up with my wonderful friend sophia which was awesome.
seeing the great gatsby at the alamo drafthouse
this is a beautiful woman who puts a huge smile on my face: sophia
phoenix:
we went to downtown phoenix. although it was 100 degrees so we didn't last very long outside. katy and i went to an artwalk in scottsdale and we met some really nice people there. the art was so diverse and really awesome to see and meet the people who created the pieces. i saw "the great gatsby" again but at a drive in this time (i love drive ins!). i went to church with joanne. i had great talks with katy and joanne. it was the perfect end to my road trip.
downtown phoenix
joanne and me at church
the last sunset of my trip
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