Wednesday, May 2, 2012
only in my dreams
i know hes not going to be perfect. im not perfect either. but i want to know what its like to feel broken like only love can make you feel, only to look him in the eyes and know that its worth it because he loves me more than life itself.
Friday, May 20, 2011
yelling at a wall
i have no idea why i am so annoyed with certain people. they are just being themselves. but it bugs me. they have every right to be different but i cant stand it.
my mom.
i have such a hard time loving her. i love her because shes my mom. but if we werent related i dont think i would spend any time with her. today i drove her to the hospital for an appointment. no big deal. but its always the little things. she left her purse with me as she went in. "dont lose my purse" she says.
...........im sitting right next to it. it will be very hard to lose it.
we are walking out of the hospital and she asks me three or four times why we arent leaving through a certain door we came in. i keep telling her we will still be able to get out this way and that its not an issue. i walked this way twice while she was at her appointment so i know where it leads.
the entire time im driving she does the mom thing. she jumps in her seat anytime someone in front of us hits their brakelights. she grabs onto the side door handles for dear life every 5 minutes or so. she points out the direction we should be going in even though ive driven that freeway countless times. it put me on edge. she warns me about a stalled car that EVERYONE AND THEIR MOM was going around in the middle of the road. I SAW IT. IVE BEEN DRIVING FOR HOW MANY YEARS NOW? I KNOW HOW. I PROMISE. so i kinda flipped out. not the best idea.
then she tells me my cousin is going to get engaged next month. oh thats weird i said. because usually you dont know youre going to get engaged. that would take all the fun out of it. no it wouldnt, she said, she has to tell people about the party. OBVI my mom thinks that getting engaged and having an engagement party are the same thing. which THEY ARENT. so then i proceed to tell her this difference and she says are you from the moon?
what?! i say. she thinks getting engaged and an engagement party are the same thing and IM from the moon?! oh god. no it is not the same thing i told her.
she says fine. youre right (sarcastically of course because she would never say this under any circumstance when she is being completely serious and honest).
i AM right i say.
and thats when i felt my wall go back up. i felt it divide that car right down the middle. ive been thinking things were finally on the up and up. which they might still be. but at that moment i closed myself off again. i dont trust her. its sad. its sad when you see other girls having an open relationship with their mothers and you dont know what thats like.
you know what else bugs me? girls getting the guys i like(d). even if it doesnt mean anything to the guy and everyone including the girl knows it. heres a piece of advice: if you are struggling with being physical with someone and you want to NOT do that, DONT HANG OUT WITH HIM WHEN ITS JUST THE TWO OF YOU ALONE. im tired of talking about it. i dont want to hear about it anymore.
my mom.
i have such a hard time loving her. i love her because shes my mom. but if we werent related i dont think i would spend any time with her. today i drove her to the hospital for an appointment. no big deal. but its always the little things. she left her purse with me as she went in. "dont lose my purse" she says.
...........im sitting right next to it. it will be very hard to lose it.
we are walking out of the hospital and she asks me three or four times why we arent leaving through a certain door we came in. i keep telling her we will still be able to get out this way and that its not an issue. i walked this way twice while she was at her appointment so i know where it leads.
the entire time im driving she does the mom thing. she jumps in her seat anytime someone in front of us hits their brakelights. she grabs onto the side door handles for dear life every 5 minutes or so. she points out the direction we should be going in even though ive driven that freeway countless times. it put me on edge. she warns me about a stalled car that EVERYONE AND THEIR MOM was going around in the middle of the road. I SAW IT. IVE BEEN DRIVING FOR HOW MANY YEARS NOW? I KNOW HOW. I PROMISE. so i kinda flipped out. not the best idea.
then she tells me my cousin is going to get engaged next month. oh thats weird i said. because usually you dont know youre going to get engaged. that would take all the fun out of it. no it wouldnt, she said, she has to tell people about the party. OBVI my mom thinks that getting engaged and having an engagement party are the same thing. which THEY ARENT. so then i proceed to tell her this difference and she says are you from the moon?
what?! i say. she thinks getting engaged and an engagement party are the same thing and IM from the moon?! oh god. no it is not the same thing i told her.
she says fine. youre right (sarcastically of course because she would never say this under any circumstance when she is being completely serious and honest).
i AM right i say.
and thats when i felt my wall go back up. i felt it divide that car right down the middle. ive been thinking things were finally on the up and up. which they might still be. but at that moment i closed myself off again. i dont trust her. its sad. its sad when you see other girls having an open relationship with their mothers and you dont know what thats like.
you know what else bugs me? girls getting the guys i like(d). even if it doesnt mean anything to the guy and everyone including the girl knows it. heres a piece of advice: if you are struggling with being physical with someone and you want to NOT do that, DONT HANG OUT WITH HIM WHEN ITS JUST THE TWO OF YOU ALONE. im tired of talking about it. i dont want to hear about it anymore.
Friday, April 22, 2011
im giving up complaining
it doesnt do me or anyone around me any good. i want to live in the moment and laugh at things that would normally upset me because living any other way is tiring. and i want to spend more time with my Creator and fall more in love with Him because there im certain ill find absolute peace and i can finally release my worries and my cares and be finally free.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
secret struggle
im so conflicted. this is my daily battle.
im really considering the possibility of not spending the rest of my life with you.
and it scares me.
i KNOW what they talk about now. when they say "you just know." when they say "youll know when you know. when you find that one person you cant live without." i never understood before you.
but what they never told me was what to do if it was a one sided feeling. if he doesnt feel the same way. or what to do when i take a chance and theres a real possibility that after ive jumped, i realize my safe landing is probably not there. it never was. i didnt check before i leapt.
it. shakes. my. world.
i absolutely cannot bear the thought of not having him by my side for the rest of my life. holding my hand. being my steady constant.
please, Jesus, please dont take him away from me.
what if he is exactly what i want--but he doesnt feel the same way about me? is that settling?
im near tears.
do i give up? or do i fight for what i love??? no matter the cost. how long do i wait? is it silly to hold onto a strong feeling?
i play the mraz song on repeat. every word echoes the secret i hold inside. its torture but i dont see any better option right now.
im really considering the possibility of not spending the rest of my life with you.
and it scares me.
i KNOW what they talk about now. when they say "you just know." when they say "youll know when you know. when you find that one person you cant live without." i never understood before you.
but what they never told me was what to do if it was a one sided feeling. if he doesnt feel the same way. or what to do when i take a chance and theres a real possibility that after ive jumped, i realize my safe landing is probably not there. it never was. i didnt check before i leapt.
it. shakes. my. world.
i absolutely cannot bear the thought of not having him by my side for the rest of my life. holding my hand. being my steady constant.
please, Jesus, please dont take him away from me.
what if he is exactly what i want--but he doesnt feel the same way about me? is that settling?
im near tears.
do i give up? or do i fight for what i love??? no matter the cost. how long do i wait? is it silly to hold onto a strong feeling?
i play the mraz song on repeat. every word echoes the secret i hold inside. its torture but i dont see any better option right now.
Monday, December 13, 2010
intro blog
ive been a fool, ive been cruel to myself ive been hanging onto nothing when nothing could be worse than hanging on
and something tells me there must be something better than all this
ive fallen many times in love and every time
its been with the wrong man
still im out there living one day at a time and doing the best i can
cause weve all made mistakes that seem to lead us astray
but every time they helped to get us where we are today
and thats a good a place as any and its probably where were best off anyway
its a long and rugged road and we dont know where its headed
but we know its going to get us where were going
and when we find what were looking for well drop these bags and search no more
cause its going to feel like heaven when were home
its going to feel like heaven when were home
and something tells me there must be something better than all this
ive fallen many times in love and every time
its been with the wrong man
still im out there living one day at a time and doing the best i can
cause weve all made mistakes that seem to lead us astray
but every time they helped to get us where we are today
and thats a good a place as any and its probably where were best off anyway
its a long and rugged road and we dont know where its headed
but we know its going to get us where were going
and when we find what were looking for well drop these bags and search no more
cause its going to feel like heaven when were home
its going to feel like heaven when were home
- "heaven when we're home" by the wailin' jennys
ive been thinking a lot over the weekend. ive had plenty of time to myself and without distractions i think about my life too much. so ive had a lot of things that have been building up inside that i want to say.
ive been wanting to start a blog for a while. i havent because i wonder if anyone im not close to even cares to know what i have to say. if someone wanted to know what i thought they could ask me. who besides my friends wants to know about my life and thoughts anyway?
but here i am. this is more for me anyway. aside from that though, i like to share my life with people and, as a bonus, this is another way that i can connect with others and maybe even help someone else out. so enjoy :)
so im thinking most of this first blog will be a mash up of the basics of me plus what has been rolling around in my head all weekend. here goes...
this last week ive had many reminders from others that, yes, im still single. i know people mean well. i appreciate the encouragement i get and the fact that the people around me love me and want the best for me. but at the same time i havent found the right person yet. its just the way it is. yes its something i want with all my heart and soul but why should i dwell on it if it isnt a reality right now? ive never been happier in my life than i have been in the last year. ive never felt more alive or felt more at home because i have made the most amazing friends that i have connected with and love so much. they are beautiful people who have touched my heart in a deep place. they love like Jesus loves and accept people for their complete self--faults and all. this leads to the feeling of freedom. i have experienced freedom with them. its very important to me in particular because i live in fear for so much of my life. allow me to explain. i worry about what other people think of me. really everything i do is to please those around me--and not in a healthy way. i worry about everything i say, do, wear, think, like, and its very burdensome. i dont trust my judgement. i dont think i am smart enough in conversations. i dont think im pretty enough. i wonder if i have offended someone with something i said or did and if i didnt meet their set criteria or the mold they were looking for me to fit. i carry around so much doubt and fear and its a heavy load that i dont need to be carrying around. Jesus didnt create us to be burdened but to have freedom in Him. i am finally beginning to experience it. im throwing off the cares that plague me and learning to love and accept others for who they are and in the process learning to love and accept myself for who i am. the most incredible thing ive learned is that this develops ground for real and lasting change. love isnt forced. love is a beautiful thing when it can grow without expectations, rules, and regulations.
all that being said i know that my friends and family dont worry about me. i have my standards and now more than ever i will. not. settle. i know what im looking for. i know it exists.
i need to start giving myself more credit too. living up to other peoples standards only makes me feel like a failure because everyone wants something different. i cant be everything to everyone. but what i do know, what ive been realizing, is that i do have a lot to offer. i listen. maybe i dont give the best advice every time but i will help however i can to the best of my ability. i will look for an opportunity to bless people. i love making others happy. i believe ive been given the gift of being a people person. i have to use that to bless others. other peoples opinions can make me feel like im in the wrong, but im realizing that my opinion is valid. i might not be able to explain myself properly and defend my position and get someone to see my point of view, but my decision making is sound and i have made many, many good decisions looking back at the ones i have made so far and the point where i have arrived at now. i seek the counsel of those around me whom i trust and look up to--people who will give me godly advice and who i know seek God in their own decision making in their lives. and i wont let someone else tear down my confidence because i know what im worth. confidence and a beautiful spirit is key. that comes from knowing who i am and feeling secure in that. im striving for that everyday now.
and so ends the pep talk portion of the blog. if you made it this far.
on a different note here, i am leaving on sunday to travel to egypt for a week to visit my grandma and various aunts, uncles, and cousins i dont know existed. should be fun! and then i fly to belgium for 3 days to visit a family i know from the church i used to attend. it will mark my first visit to europe. i have been wanting to travel all over europe for years now. i am so excited to start my journey there! i dont know how much access to a computer i will have but i am hoping i will have the ability to blog at least once while i am there.
well here ends my first blog. i still have much to say so this is only the beginning of many more. if you have any response--comments, questions, concerns, accusations, constructive criticisms, destructive criticisms, random outbursts--TELL ME! i would love to hear what you think :)
ive been wanting to start a blog for a while. i havent because i wonder if anyone im not close to even cares to know what i have to say. if someone wanted to know what i thought they could ask me. who besides my friends wants to know about my life and thoughts anyway?
but here i am. this is more for me anyway. aside from that though, i like to share my life with people and, as a bonus, this is another way that i can connect with others and maybe even help someone else out. so enjoy :)
so im thinking most of this first blog will be a mash up of the basics of me plus what has been rolling around in my head all weekend. here goes...
this last week ive had many reminders from others that, yes, im still single. i know people mean well. i appreciate the encouragement i get and the fact that the people around me love me and want the best for me. but at the same time i havent found the right person yet. its just the way it is. yes its something i want with all my heart and soul but why should i dwell on it if it isnt a reality right now? ive never been happier in my life than i have been in the last year. ive never felt more alive or felt more at home because i have made the most amazing friends that i have connected with and love so much. they are beautiful people who have touched my heart in a deep place. they love like Jesus loves and accept people for their complete self--faults and all. this leads to the feeling of freedom. i have experienced freedom with them. its very important to me in particular because i live in fear for so much of my life. allow me to explain. i worry about what other people think of me. really everything i do is to please those around me--and not in a healthy way. i worry about everything i say, do, wear, think, like, and its very burdensome. i dont trust my judgement. i dont think i am smart enough in conversations. i dont think im pretty enough. i wonder if i have offended someone with something i said or did and if i didnt meet their set criteria or the mold they were looking for me to fit. i carry around so much doubt and fear and its a heavy load that i dont need to be carrying around. Jesus didnt create us to be burdened but to have freedom in Him. i am finally beginning to experience it. im throwing off the cares that plague me and learning to love and accept others for who they are and in the process learning to love and accept myself for who i am. the most incredible thing ive learned is that this develops ground for real and lasting change. love isnt forced. love is a beautiful thing when it can grow without expectations, rules, and regulations.
all that being said i know that my friends and family dont worry about me. i have my standards and now more than ever i will. not. settle. i know what im looking for. i know it exists.
i need to start giving myself more credit too. living up to other peoples standards only makes me feel like a failure because everyone wants something different. i cant be everything to everyone. but what i do know, what ive been realizing, is that i do have a lot to offer. i listen. maybe i dont give the best advice every time but i will help however i can to the best of my ability. i will look for an opportunity to bless people. i love making others happy. i believe ive been given the gift of being a people person. i have to use that to bless others. other peoples opinions can make me feel like im in the wrong, but im realizing that my opinion is valid. i might not be able to explain myself properly and defend my position and get someone to see my point of view, but my decision making is sound and i have made many, many good decisions looking back at the ones i have made so far and the point where i have arrived at now. i seek the counsel of those around me whom i trust and look up to--people who will give me godly advice and who i know seek God in their own decision making in their lives. and i wont let someone else tear down my confidence because i know what im worth. confidence and a beautiful spirit is key. that comes from knowing who i am and feeling secure in that. im striving for that everyday now.
and so ends the pep talk portion of the blog. if you made it this far.
on a different note here, i am leaving on sunday to travel to egypt for a week to visit my grandma and various aunts, uncles, and cousins i dont know existed. should be fun! and then i fly to belgium for 3 days to visit a family i know from the church i used to attend. it will mark my first visit to europe. i have been wanting to travel all over europe for years now. i am so excited to start my journey there! i dont know how much access to a computer i will have but i am hoping i will have the ability to blog at least once while i am there.
well here ends my first blog. i still have much to say so this is only the beginning of many more. if you have any response--comments, questions, concerns, accusations, constructive criticisms, destructive criticisms, random outbursts--TELL ME! i would love to hear what you think :)
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