"san antone"

i don't know what it is, but i'm really liking texas. maybe it's the flat, green land, the history here, or the cowboy boots i see all around, but yes please! it's been so fun and my friends meggan and justen have been so hospitable. i saw the san jose mission and the alamo, i walked around downtown san antonio and the riverwalk, went to a middle school fair where i made a candle and branded a piece of wood, danced at the midnight rodeo bar, and reveled in the scenery all around me. the people here on the whole are friendly and i like that. it's got cute houses and a quaint feel, but still has that city vibe too. i definitely look forward to visiting again!

i'm still struggling in my mind about what i want to do in my life. i see all these really great and awe inspiring pieces of history around me and i want to contribute and make a difference and have a hand in creating something beautiful and significant to this world. i'm searching and i want to find it. i just don't know what direction to take. i'm trying to continually submit to the Lord's plan and to ask Him where He would have me and what He would have me do. it's been great having more time to pray and rest in Him. if you would send a prayer for me as well i would love that. if you have anything you want me to pray about too, let me know! i would love that. tomorrow i leave for arkansas--onto the next adventure!

mission san jose

remember the alamo!

they call this selena's bridge, named after the singer, and it's supposed to be a romantic spot to kiss that special someone

i got to brand the state of texas on a piece of wood at a middle school faire!

texas pride barbecue: brisket, cheezy potatoes, and green beans. oh and of course we got the peach cobbler a la mode to share!

a beautiful texas sunset

only the beginning

i'm in arizona! it's been fun so far. a lot of lazing around, driving back and forth between the same 4 exits, getting to know this side of phoenix. as mentioned, i have been getting a lot of laughter in. i am constantly entertained by the pulliams. if you've met them you know exactly what i mean.

today my plans got a little turned around. but i've been embracing spontaneity so i just went with the flow. instead i had a great conversation with joanne and God convicted me of a struggle i've been fighting for so long. now i wouldn't call myself a control freak but i definitely have those tendencies when it comes to self preservation. i operate out of fear at times and that leads to me trying to control situations or people around me. i've done a great deal of letting go of control in the past and accepting my circumstances and letting God take control instead
but i guess there are still remnants i have to continue to work on.

katy and i also went to dinner at a cute 50s diner tonight. i got the "hound dog" (hot dog) and fries and katy got the "love me tenders." we shared a peanut butter milkshake and picked songs on the jukebox. it was adorable.

i tried venison tonight. first time and it was unexpected and totally out of my comfort zone. but when in rome... turns out it is really good! i also watched the hobbit for the first time and i'm about to go watch singing in the rain (for the first time). so here's to the beginning of a beautiful trip, many more firsts, and memorable times. cheers!

road trip

for the last year of my life i attended the fashion institute of design and merchandising in downtown los angeles. i am going to graduate in june and get my associate's in the beauty industry marketing and merchandising. i finished classes a week ago today and i still have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life or what my next step should be. and i'm learning that's okay.

about 6 months ago i had a random flash of an idea. road trip. i've always loved traveling and i've gone on road trips with my family and friends before. i've even road tripped for a week on my own. but this time it's a little different. i decided to go on a cross country road trip to visit my friends and family around the country. i love traveling and i love people. it's perfect!

my goal in all of this is to learn to live in the moment. i don't want it to pass me by. "therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own." matthew 6:34. through this i intend to learn to be a better servant of all, to grow stronger as a human, to find what God's will for my next step is, to show others love, to help others, to make amazing memories, to let go of worry, to pray more and more, to learn more about who i am and to be rooted in it, and to have fun!

today i set off for arizona to visit a family i have missed an abnormal amount. i can't wait to see them. i have a permanent smile on my face when i am around them and they make me laugh until i can't breathe. they are truly special. i've only been through arizona once on choir tour and we stopped at an in n out there. other than that this will be my first actual trip there!

i plan on blogging as often as possible with all my adventures. thanks for being on this journey with me. i am surrounded by amazing people that care so much for me and i am beyond grateful.

bon voyage!

only in my dreams

i know hes not going to be perfect. im not perfect either. but i want to know what its like to feel broken like only love can make you feel, only to look him in the eyes and know that its worth it because he loves me more than life itself.

yelling at a wall

i have no idea why i am so annoyed with certain people. they are just being themselves. but it bugs me. they have every right to be different but i cant stand it.
my mom.
i have such a hard time loving her. i love her because shes my mom. but if we werent related i dont think i would spend any time with her. today i drove her to the hospital for an appointment. no big deal. but its always the little things. she left her purse with me as she went in. "dont lose my purse" she says.
...........im sitting right next to it. it will be very hard to lose it.
we are walking out of the hospital and she asks me three or four times why we arent leaving through a certain door we came in. i keep telling her we will still be able to get out this way and that its not an issue. i walked this way twice while she was at her appointment so i know where it leads.
the entire time im driving she does the mom thing. she jumps in her seat anytime someone in front of us hits their brakelights. she grabs onto the side door handles for dear life every 5 minutes or so. she points out the direction we should be going in even though ive driven that freeway countless times. it put me on edge. she warns me about a stalled car that EVERYONE AND THEIR MOM was going around in the middle of the road. I SAW IT. IVE BEEN DRIVING FOR HOW MANY YEARS NOW? I KNOW HOW. I PROMISE. so i kinda flipped out. not the best idea.
then she tells me my cousin is going to get engaged next month. oh thats weird i said. because usually you dont know youre going to get engaged. that would take all the fun out of it. no it wouldnt, she said, she has to tell people about the party. OBVI my mom thinks that getting engaged and having an engagement party are the same thing. which THEY ARENT. so then i proceed to tell her this difference and she says are you from the moon?
what?! i say. she thinks getting engaged and an engagement party are the same thing and IM from the moon?! oh god. no it is not the same thing i told her.
she says fine. youre right (sarcastically of course because she would never say this under any circumstance when she is being completely serious and honest).
i AM right i say.
and thats when i felt my wall go back up. i felt it divide that car right down the middle. ive been thinking things were finally on the up and up. which they might still be. but at that moment i closed myself off again. i dont trust her. its sad. its sad when you see other girls having an open relationship with their mothers and you dont know what thats like.

you know what else bugs me? girls getting the guys i like(d). even if it doesnt mean anything to the guy and everyone including the girl knows it. heres a piece of advice: if you are struggling with being physical with someone and you want to NOT do that, DONT HANG OUT WITH HIM WHEN ITS JUST THE TWO OF YOU ALONE. im tired of talking about it. i dont want to hear about it anymore.

im giving up complaining

it doesnt do me or anyone around me any good. i want to live in the moment and laugh at things that would normally upset me because living any other way is tiring. and i want to spend more time with my Creator and fall more in love with Him because there im certain ill find absolute peace and i can finally release my worries and my cares and be finally free.

secret struggle

im so conflicted. this is my daily battle.


im really considering the possibility of not spending the rest of my life with you.


and it scares me.


i KNOW what they talk about now. when they say "you just know." when they say "youll know when you know. when you find that one person you cant live without." i never understood before you.


but what they never told me was what to do if it was a one sided feeling. if he doesnt feel the same way. or what to do when i take a chance and theres a real possibility that after ive jumped, i realize my safe landing is probably not there. it never was. i didnt check before i leapt.


it. shakes. my. world.


i absolutely cannot bear the thought of not having him by my side for the rest of my life. holding my hand. being my steady constant.


please, Jesus, please dont take him away from me.


what if he is exactly what i want--but he doesnt feel the same way about me? is that settling?


im near tears.


do i give up? or do i fight for what i love??? no matter the cost. how long do i wait? is it silly to hold onto a strong feeling?


i play the mraz song on repeat. every word echoes the secret i hold inside. its torture but i dont see any better option right now.