hope

why do we always go for the people we can't have?

seriously.

it's like i'm somehow compulsively attracted to the ones it will never work out with--even when consciously i think it will. is there a bigger force at factor? am i subconsciously sabotaging myself and not even knowing it? i try so hard to be honest with myself and my own feelings. granted, i will concede that i know but a pinch of the knowledge that exists in this universe and even then i choose to focus on a fraction of that knowledge because i am human and i don't have the ability to consider every option from every angle and all of the other factors at work on all levels. but i try to have a sober and open mind to consider the issues that come up in my life and when i listen to others talk about theirs.

there are some days where i have a large handful of men that give me a second glance or a shy smile and i brush them off like it's no big deal. because why? because i'm not attracted to them. because i don't feel that instant connection with them. because, honestly, they aren't what i'm looking for.

i want something undeniable. i want something i simply cannot ignore. it overtakes me in the best possible way and changes me to be a better person everyday. i want something passionate, grounding, empowering, freeing, clarifying, comfortable, fun, and loving. one of my favorite quotes says, "unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. there are too many mediocre things in life; love should not be one of them." i believe that with every fiber of my being. don't settle. i don't want something normal and nice. i want something that i can't help but believe in. that draws me in and entrances me.

luckily, i have a love like that already. my relationship with christ has been growing steadily and has provided me with all of the above attributes and so much more. i am in love with my savior. he brings me to happy tears a lot. he loves me more than any human can. i am eternally grateful and forever his.

but

i still want one of those earthly, this side of heaven relationships. even god said, "it is not good for man to be alone." it's not good for me to be alone! i have it written in my heart. this is my daily struggle. i have learned so much through this struggle. it has made me more compassionate, wiser, more trusting in my lord, and it has pushed me beyond my limits to rest in the only one who has the answers. i am grateful to god for this struggle and all it has taught me and shaped me into. all the people i have made a connection with because of it, whether i was helping them or (probably most of the time) when they were helping me, has been worth it. praise god!

the point of this post is mostly to encourage myself. because when it doesn't work out with someone, and things seem hopeless, i know in my bones it isn't. i will always have hope. even if i never end up with someone and i am single for the rest of my life. i have hope in something greater. that doesn't mean i wouldn't struggle everyday with the why or the despair i would feel, i would just know there was a bigger purpose and that i still have work to do and people to help because i am in the lord's service. but god knows my heart and he knows every tear i cry and every inexpressible pang of hurt or loneliness i feel. i know that he will answer my prayer someday.

doubt

i have been obsessed with the idea of love for as long as i can remember. the idea that you love someone so much that you become this incredibly happy person and you smile like an idiot and all your free time is spent thinking about this person and you want to do cute things for him or her and it's just one big long love fest where you are so focused on someone else's happiness that you become filled with joy in the process.

and why have i been stuck on this idea for so long? sure it's great. but is it the greatest thing? i've pinned all my hopes on this and waited for it and worked on myself for it. i've set my life goals to revolve around this idea because it wasn't even a question in my mind that one day i would be married.

i just didn't think it would take this long.

okay yes i am picky. i don't regret it though. if i have such a strong desire for this then it isn't something to take lightly. it would have been incredibly easy to find anyone to fill that role i wanted so badly. and it could have happened a few times. but the time was never right and it never worked out in my favor. i never wanted to settle.

i was praying today and asking god why. why do i have to wait so long for something i've wanted for my entire life? that i've been trying to wait patiently for and coming up with millions of excuses why it hasn't happened yet? gifts from god aren't something you work for. it's a gift after all. so if it's a gift, then why has god seen me unfit to receive yet? am i doing something wrong?? am i missing some big truth that's right in front of my face?

of course i know that i am doing my best and that this is not something i am going to earn. i know plenty of women my age or older that are still single. and they are strong, independent women who still have hope too. that is so inspiring. because sometimes i feel like just giving up. just throwing up my hands and saying "well i gave it a good 23 years but clearly it's not happening so it's time to move on." but i look at these women and think about how they are still being true to who they are and still learning and growing and they don't need a human being to complete their life. and i remember that i am an individual and that i have so many things to accomplish on my own if necessary. if that's my lot in life. and that is okay. i asked god to remind me that he is the one that sustains me and the reason i am alive and breathing everyday. i want him only to be the source of my happiness and hope. because if he isn't (i'm sure you've heard the cliche before...) then no one can fill that spot.

but i'm still wondering why.

how do you forget something you crave? i pray to find my purpose. i would love to find what i love and be able to fully throw myself into it and put all my attention and energy into it to help others instead of focusing so much on myself and what i desire. because it isn't the be all end all of life. i can still live a purposeful and meaningful life even if i'm on my own for the rest of my life. i just pray that that's not the case.

the way back home

i made it back home safely! this trip has been special to say the least. so many great memories that i have to cherish and a deeper connection with all the people i was lucky to spend time with along the way. i learned a lot. about myself, about others, about god, about places that aren't california. it's weird to say i grew in a month and a half of being away from home but i know i have.

the goals i set for myself at the beginning of the trip have almost all been accomplished. i learned more fully to live in the moment and let tomorrow's problems worry about themselves. things didn't always work out exactly as i planned them but i embraced the reality that life isn't mine to control. i can be persistent but i can't push something to happen. i can only be happy with my place in life and let go of the rest. i cannot be everything to every person in my life and that's okay. i won't see eye to eye with everyone and i won't be able to please everyone when i have an opinion and that's okay. i have incredible people in my life. that is an understatement. through getting to visit everyone i have felt so loved and i have so much love for the people in my life that i feel content with where i am at right now. i am learning to listen for god's voice and what direction he is guiding me in. i got a lot of prayer time in and a lot of time to just be with god and to re-center myself. and it was amazing! i feel like a better person and so much more whole and ready to serve others.

i think a huge turning point was this last weekend. i sat down and watched a todd white video (he talks about jesus and loving people a lot) and i felt renewed afterward. but there were so many other god-things the rest of the weekend and beyond that kept speaking to me. fear can be so detrimental and i certainly have lived in fear for much of my life. when we love and are loved, fear shouldn't even be a thought. "perfect love casts out all fear." over and over i saw and heard different things that reiterated this idea and i am reevaluating how i view fear in my own life and why and then focusing on love and letting my fear go. so many times the idea of being grounded in who you are and being able to have an opinion and respectfully voice it kept coming up in different conversations or movies or thoughts i had. i have always struggled with that. i've always struggled with being unsure of where i stand and with not wanting to offend anyone so i end up keeping my opinions to myself. i want to be secure in what i believe and have the confidence to voice it. and this also leads to another idea of being able to be decisive. for too long i've been indecisive about so many things. i've been envious of people who can make a decision and stick with it without putting weeks of thought into it. while not always a bad thing, i tend to do that too much and it results in me being wishy-washy all the time. it's better to pick something and go with it and even if i "fail forward" at least i am growing and changing and learning. i should allow my failures to lead me to my successes. purpose is crucial because "without a purpose we default to selfishness, which is myopic as it is hard to see outside of our own circumstance." knowing my identity, who i am, and what my purpose is, will shape how i approach my decisions and how i decide what to do.

like i said, i've learned a lot! i'm excited about all the things i've learned and now i get to put it all into practice where the rubber meets the road in everyday life back at home. i know it won't be easy but it will certainly be worth it.

so the rest of my trip went a little something like this:

san antonio:
we went to see "the great gatsby" directed by my favorite director baz luhrmann and i loved it. and the best part was that we went to the alamo drafthouse where they serve dinner during the movie. and instead of the behind the scenes clips they usually play before the movie, they played clips from old black and white movies. it was perfect! i loved it. we also went to austin and walked around downtown for a bit. i got to meet up with my wonderful friend sophia which was awesome.

seeing the great gatsby at the alamo drafthouse

this is a beautiful woman who puts a huge smile on my face: sophia

phoenix:
we went to downtown phoenix. although it was 100 degrees so we didn't last very long outside. katy and i went to an artwalk in scottsdale and we met some really nice people there. the art was so diverse and really awesome to see and meet the people who created the pieces. i saw "the great gatsby" again but at a drive in this time (i love drive ins!). i went to church with joanne. i had great talks with katy and joanne. it was the perfect end to my road trip.

downtown phoenix

joanne and me at church

the last sunset of my trip

i had so much fun. i was incredibly sad when it was over and i was driving home. i still have july to look forward to when i take on the west coast for a week with a few friends of mine. but now i can put into practice all that i've learned and keep becoming the person i want to be. thanks for being a part of my journey! it makes the experience so much richer when i am able to share it with others :)

the great midwest

yay i have time to write! here's what's been happening in my life:

minnesota:
i got to see nikki and spend time in the SNOW. yep it snowed in may. it was the first time i drove in snow too. it was also the first time i drove by 5 dead deer on the highway. *gross*
i went from weather in the 80s when i left chicago to weather in the 30s in one day. quite the opposite. i loved it though! first i saw the church where nikki is now an associate pastor and met some friendly people in the congregation. over the next few days nikki took me to get juicy lucy burgers where the cheese is melted inside the hamburger, and took me to a place called wise acre where 70-90% of their food comes straight from the farm (so delicious!), and we also went to a dinner theater to see "joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat" which blew me away! everyone did such a great job. i'm realizing how much i miss being on stage and how a piece of my heart is missing because i haven't been able to sing lately and how i'm going to do something about that when i get back home. i'm thinking of taking voice lessons and somehow bringing music back into my life again. i need it.

dinner theater to see "joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat"

iowa:
kristen and i went to college together and she has since moved to iowa to be with her now husband. romantic ain't it?! she's still as sweet as ever and showed me all around town. the best part was the music man museum they have in mason city, which has a replicated street made to look exactly like the movie that you can walk down! i was in the play so it was pretty cool to hear the music playing as i got to walk in the little shops they had like the billiard parlor ("trouble right here in river city, with a capital t, that rhymes with p and that stands for pool!") or the bank or the music practice room. they also had a museum section dedicated to the movie and meredith willson, who wrote it, and the history behind the music written. it was awesome! we also went out on the lake one evening and even though it was chilly i loved it. it was very relaxing. and the day i left kristen and i went to the surf ballroom, which was the last place buddy holly, the big bopper, and ritchie valens ever played. we also went to the cornfield where their plane crashed and saw the memorial they had set up. fascinating stuff.

the surf ballroom monument to buddy holly, the big bopper, and ritchie valens

kristen and me out on the lake

buddy holly glasses at the crash site memorial

palmyra, missouri:
i visited my friend katie from my elementary school days. it's a small town and the place katie lives is surrounded by hills and trees and nature and it was just gorgeous. it was secluded and so nice to have peace for a bit. i got to visit the classroom she teaches in and that was very cool. i had a great time with her and her family and i'm only sad i couldn't stay longer.

katie and me in her classroom -- we're all grown up!

a sunset walk to get the mail

columbia, missouri:
my friend joy (from california) was out here for work and even though this wasn't on my list of destinations i couldn't pass by without spending time with her! she showed me the sights of downtown and we ate delicious food (and ice cream!) and had a blast like we always do.

joy and i on a hike

maria and i next to one of the many awesome paintings in an ice cream shop downtown

nixa, missouri:
i became friends with amber a year after high school and we became good friends. she moved out here for her now husband (again, romantic) and it was great getting to see her sassy self again! missouri is a beautiful place and her and her husband showed me plenty of the beautiful parks and rivers and lakes. it was awesome. we went to branson, missouri and saw the sights there. it was fun seeing the history of the place and how it's also been built up all at the same time. we went to a 5 & dime store and i love seeing places like that of bygone times. i was definitely born in the wrong decade! anyway it was grand and i had a lot of fun.

just a taste of the beauty missouri had to offer me

amber and me in branson

a missouri "beach" (haha)

too much fun

it has been a long while since i last wrote! a lot has happened and i have barely had enough time to sit down and write a new post. but my friend nikki, whom i am currently staying with in minnesota, told me i needed to sit down and write a new post since i haven't in a long while. and so, as we are watching person of interest, i will update everyone on what i have done since texas. brace yourselves!

first of all, i must say this is one of the best ideas i've ever had. every city i go to has a certain charm. and my relationships are the most important part of my life and in this way i am cultivating the connection i have with many people i have known in the past. so overall i have been soaking in every minute with every person i have been blessed to spend my time with.

arkansas:
when i got to conway, it was all very green and i felt alive just seeing trees and grass and lush nature all around me. we made a mini trip to memphis and i stood in front of the outside wall of my holy land: graceland. we also stopped by sun studios but unfortunately couldn't go on the tour. i'll have to do that the next memphis trip. the next day i drove around the conway, ar area a little. coming from suburban living all my life, small towns hold a unique charm for me. i loved driving around and seeing nothing but farm land. no concrete jungles, just open land where a person feels free. it's nice to have a taste of more than one way of life and knowing that the way i live isn't the only way.

in front of graceland!!

crystal-lee and me--friends for 10 years!

tupelo, mississipi:
i am a huge elvis fan. most of you already know that. so on my way to florida, i realized i was driving incredibly close to tupelo, which is where elvis was born and raised for the first 13 years of his life. how could i not stop?! his first home he was born in is now a museum. it's a 2 room shack his father built and it was quite an experience. i've read books about it but to actually experience it and imagine how the presleys must have lived was quite another. i didn't go to the church across the way where he used to attend because i'm giving myself a reason to go back! it was absolutely wonderful.

the house elvis was born in--i'm sitting on the porch swing!

florida:
i had so much fun here. i spent time with my cousin jeany and her family. i did some serious shopping while i was there, got my nails done by jeany (who owns her own salon and did an AMAZING job! http://www.unitynailboutique.com), met some of jeany's wonderful friends, spent time with my cousin joey and my aunt and uncle, saw my uncle's salon for the first time, reconnected with a childhood friend of mine whom i hadn't seen since we were 13, and built so many new memories with my family. my favorite moment of my trip happened here too. while at jeany's salon, we were updating each other on our lives and our conversation kept going to deeper and deeper levels. it was good and enriching and it was connecting us more and more. we ended up crying and hugging each other (a sign of some good quality girl conversation) and were bonded on a whole new level. it was an organic moment and i will hold that moment close to my heart.

my beautiful cousin jeany and me

virginia:
what a special trip! i met up with my half sister, larissa, whom i had only seen 3 times previously. fun fact: each time we have visited each other, it has been in a different place. we have spent time together in chicago, montreal, california, and now virginia. never the same place twice! it was great getting to see her life in richmond and the places she loves going to. i was able to spend time with her friends as well and loved getting to know them. larissa made me eat a bite of tuna (i don't eat seafood) and on another night made me eat gator (which was actually pretty yummy) and then another night i tried duck liver because of her (very salty). so i am stretching myself and getting out of my comfort zone! it's very empowering! larissa showed me the sights of richmond and was a fabulous tour guide. she took me to an amazing french restaurant where we had perfectly paired wines with our desserts, courtesy of the owner of the restaurant (amour bistro http://www.amourwinebistro.com) who really knows what he is doing. i was also able to meet her parents, which is a huge step in connecting each other to our families and making up for so much lost time we weren't able to spend together growing up. i was also able to meet up with a friend of mine, whom i knew in california when i worked with her. she ended up moving and i was so sad. but she recently moved to virginia beach and we picked right back up where we left off! we got cartilage piercings and i had such a great time with her, just being able to talk and catch up. she is such a special person.

sisters!

getting my cartilage pierced

new jersey:
my friend hilary is a ball of energy and i loved the time i spent with her. she makes me laugh constantly. the night i got there, we went out to dinner with 2 of her wonderful friends. the next day we went to the amish store and got some of the most delicious warm pretzels there. i also bought jam and apple butter. later that day we walked around princeton, which is gorgeous, and spontaneously decided to see the taming of the shrew at their theater there after seeing a sign posted about it. it was adventurous and so fun! the next day we decided to head to new york. we say the broadway show "once" and walked around times square as well as central park. we had slices of pie (it's not called pizza there) for lunch and for dinner we went to little italy. all in all, i would say a perfect trip to new york city.

in front of princeton

outside the theater on broadway for "once"

ohio:
the shalawylos are a family of 6 adorable children and i love them to pieces. i loved the energy of being around them, and of course with a big family, there is always something going on. 2 of the kids were in the play "les miserables" at one of the high schools in town so we went both nights to see them perform. i was able to take abby and izzy to downtown columbus one of the days i was there and we walked around the little shops they have there. again, i loved getting to cultivate my relationships there and spend time with people like no time had passed between us. that's when you know you have good, solid friendships.

beautiful girls

the talented gavroche and cosette in "les miserables"

chicago:
oh the city of wind! i had an absolute blast here. it is where my roots are and the place i feel like i am not done with. or maybe it isn't done with me. i have family and friends there from when i was young and i love picking up our relationships every time i go back from where we left off. i spent the first few days in the suburbs where i had grown up, and then stayed in downtown chicago the remainder of my time. the weather could not have been more perfect. i even was able to take a 2 hour run/walk along lake michigan and even walked navy pier for a bit. it was refreshing and revitalizing. i ate at one of my favorite restaurants--a chicago classic--portillo's and i also had deep dish pizza, because you just have to. i visited millenium park, chinatown, had lunch in wrigleyville, and of course did some more shopping. my only wish is that i could have stayed longer and spent more time with my friends and family there.

delicious dinner with fabulous people at gyu-kaku

my cousin and i in front of the bean in millenium park

they don't call it the windy city for no reason!

so this has been my trip thus far. i have been listening for god's voice and talking to people and gaining more insight and wisdom. i have some ideas but i'm going to continue to pray for clarity and discernment because i want to glorify god in my decision making and in whatever i choose to do in the future. i want his best and i won't settle. i hope you are encouraged by my adventures. i think we all need a little adventure in our lives(: hopefully it won't be too long before i can write again!

"san antone"

i don't know what it is, but i'm really liking texas. maybe it's the flat, green land, the history here, or the cowboy boots i see all around, but yes please! it's been so fun and my friends meggan and justen have been so hospitable. i saw the san jose mission and the alamo, i walked around downtown san antonio and the riverwalk, went to a middle school fair where i made a candle and branded a piece of wood, danced at the midnight rodeo bar, and reveled in the scenery all around me. the people here on the whole are friendly and i like that. it's got cute houses and a quaint feel, but still has that city vibe too. i definitely look forward to visiting again!

i'm still struggling in my mind about what i want to do in my life. i see all these really great and awe inspiring pieces of history around me and i want to contribute and make a difference and have a hand in creating something beautiful and significant to this world. i'm searching and i want to find it. i just don't know what direction to take. i'm trying to continually submit to the Lord's plan and to ask Him where He would have me and what He would have me do. it's been great having more time to pray and rest in Him. if you would send a prayer for me as well i would love that. if you have anything you want me to pray about too, let me know! i would love that. tomorrow i leave for arkansas--onto the next adventure!

mission san jose

remember the alamo!

they call this selena's bridge, named after the singer, and it's supposed to be a romantic spot to kiss that special someone

i got to brand the state of texas on a piece of wood at a middle school faire!

texas pride barbecue: brisket, cheezy potatoes, and green beans. oh and of course we got the peach cobbler a la mode to share!

a beautiful texas sunset

only the beginning

i'm in arizona! it's been fun so far. a lot of lazing around, driving back and forth between the same 4 exits, getting to know this side of phoenix. as mentioned, i have been getting a lot of laughter in. i am constantly entertained by the pulliams. if you've met them you know exactly what i mean.

today my plans got a little turned around. but i've been embracing spontaneity so i just went with the flow. instead i had a great conversation with joanne and God convicted me of a struggle i've been fighting for so long. now i wouldn't call myself a control freak but i definitely have those tendencies when it comes to self preservation. i operate out of fear at times and that leads to me trying to control situations or people around me. i've done a great deal of letting go of control in the past and accepting my circumstances and letting God take control instead
but i guess there are still remnants i have to continue to work on.

katy and i also went to dinner at a cute 50s diner tonight. i got the "hound dog" (hot dog) and fries and katy got the "love me tenders." we shared a peanut butter milkshake and picked songs on the jukebox. it was adorable.

i tried venison tonight. first time and it was unexpected and totally out of my comfort zone. but when in rome... turns out it is really good! i also watched the hobbit for the first time and i'm about to go watch singing in the rain (for the first time). so here's to the beginning of a beautiful trip, many more firsts, and memorable times. cheers!

road trip

for the last year of my life i attended the fashion institute of design and merchandising in downtown los angeles. i am going to graduate in june and get my associate's in the beauty industry marketing and merchandising. i finished classes a week ago today and i still have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life or what my next step should be. and i'm learning that's okay.

about 6 months ago i had a random flash of an idea. road trip. i've always loved traveling and i've gone on road trips with my family and friends before. i've even road tripped for a week on my own. but this time it's a little different. i decided to go on a cross country road trip to visit my friends and family around the country. i love traveling and i love people. it's perfect!

my goal in all of this is to learn to live in the moment. i don't want it to pass me by. "therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own." matthew 6:34. through this i intend to learn to be a better servant of all, to grow stronger as a human, to find what God's will for my next step is, to show others love, to help others, to make amazing memories, to let go of worry, to pray more and more, to learn more about who i am and to be rooted in it, and to have fun!

today i set off for arizona to visit a family i have missed an abnormal amount. i can't wait to see them. i have a permanent smile on my face when i am around them and they make me laugh until i can't breathe. they are truly special. i've only been through arizona once on choir tour and we stopped at an in n out there. other than that this will be my first actual trip there!

i plan on blogging as often as possible with all my adventures. thanks for being on this journey with me. i am surrounded by amazing people that care so much for me and i am beyond grateful.

bon voyage!