hope

why do we always go for the people we can't have?

seriously.

it's like i'm somehow compulsively attracted to the ones it will never work out with--even when consciously i think it will. is there a bigger force at factor? am i subconsciously sabotaging myself and not even knowing it? i try so hard to be honest with myself and my own feelings. granted, i will concede that i know but a pinch of the knowledge that exists in this universe and even then i choose to focus on a fraction of that knowledge because i am human and i don't have the ability to consider every option from every angle and all of the other factors at work on all levels. but i try to have a sober and open mind to consider the issues that come up in my life and when i listen to others talk about theirs.

there are some days where i have a large handful of men that give me a second glance or a shy smile and i brush them off like it's no big deal. because why? because i'm not attracted to them. because i don't feel that instant connection with them. because, honestly, they aren't what i'm looking for.

i want something undeniable. i want something i simply cannot ignore. it overtakes me in the best possible way and changes me to be a better person everyday. i want something passionate, grounding, empowering, freeing, clarifying, comfortable, fun, and loving. one of my favorite quotes says, "unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. there are too many mediocre things in life; love should not be one of them." i believe that with every fiber of my being. don't settle. i don't want something normal and nice. i want something that i can't help but believe in. that draws me in and entrances me.

luckily, i have a love like that already. my relationship with christ has been growing steadily and has provided me with all of the above attributes and so much more. i am in love with my savior. he brings me to happy tears a lot. he loves me more than any human can. i am eternally grateful and forever his.

but

i still want one of those earthly, this side of heaven relationships. even god said, "it is not good for man to be alone." it's not good for me to be alone! i have it written in my heart. this is my daily struggle. i have learned so much through this struggle. it has made me more compassionate, wiser, more trusting in my lord, and it has pushed me beyond my limits to rest in the only one who has the answers. i am grateful to god for this struggle and all it has taught me and shaped me into. all the people i have made a connection with because of it, whether i was helping them or (probably most of the time) when they were helping me, has been worth it. praise god!

the point of this post is mostly to encourage myself. because when it doesn't work out with someone, and things seem hopeless, i know in my bones it isn't. i will always have hope. even if i never end up with someone and i am single for the rest of my life. i have hope in something greater. that doesn't mean i wouldn't struggle everyday with the why or the despair i would feel, i would just know there was a bigger purpose and that i still have work to do and people to help because i am in the lord's service. but god knows my heart and he knows every tear i cry and every inexpressible pang of hurt or loneliness i feel. i know that he will answer my prayer someday.