Escalator

I know that I am walking into this with eyes wide open and deliberate steps. It's like I'm on one of those flat escalators and I see a sign at the end of it saying, "Point of No Return". And I'm torn because I don't want to be on the escalator. I know I'm not supposed to be on that escalator. I know that's not what the plan is. But I have never had an experience like this before and I've always wanted to know what it's like.

I know I'm settling. But it's also addictive. It hasn't overtaken me.

Yet.

But I know that sign keeps looming closer and closer and if I don't make a decision soon, I may be sucked in. I've held on for so long and refused to get on the escalator. I stayed on the sidelines like a good girl and I've been proud of myself even. I was going to wait there until the time was right. But I also craved love something fierce all my life. How could I resist something I've been denied for so long?

But who am I kidding?! This isn't love! I'm only hoping that it could actually become that one day. Although, he's made it very clear it never will be. Still, I've always been the hopeful fool. I believe in God's miracles and I believe when the time is right, God will perform one in my life and it will be because I've believed for so very long and have known all the while He was looking out for me, saving me in so many situations, and loving and desiring me so much more than I can comprehend right now.

So, why can't I respond with what I know He wants me to do? Why do I still feel like I'd be missing out if I don't try this? I honestly would regret not trying.

So, the sign looms closer. And all I can do is pray that God saves me from myself and teaches me to trust Him for the 2,493rd time. Actually, that number is probably very conservative.

In the end, no matter what, I know Who my heart belongs to and that's why I walk forward with no fear. Even if I get to that sign, I'm not worried because Jesus is there the whole time and I know His will is done for now and evermore.