Faith

"A delay does not mean a denial."

Lately, the story of Abraham and Sarah has really been getting to me. How many times have I heard the story? It didn't resonate until now. Do you know how long they waited? How many mistakes they made while waiting? How many times they wondered? God really dragged out His promise to them. He made them wait.

How is that fair?

This is the Bible we're talking about. God doesn't make mistakes. So what does that mean for Sarah? How is that comforting when she cried for 25 years for her dream to come true? And she was past the point of logically, physically, normally having children.

I relate to Sarah So. Much. I have been waiting for my heart's desire since I was 4. Yes, I was 4 years old when I knew I wanted to be married. I didn't really grasp what it meant then but all I knew is that I wanted to marry Richard Dean Anderson, aka MacGuyver. Mullets, man. Anyway, so here I am 26 years later (that's 1 more year...so far...than Sarah waited. Although I'm not as old as she was. But I'm getting close...) and STILL waiting for someone. How is that fair? How is my faith supposed to be comforting when God hasn't responded to my years of praying?

I've gone through many different emotional seasons, as you can imagine. I have hoped beyond hope. I have practically given up and thought that maybe God just doesn't want me to be in a relationship; maybe I'm just supposed to be a really strong, single, independent female role model for young women who think that marriage is the ultimate goal; to show them they can be strong without needing someone to complete them. I have made a list for what I want in my future husband. I have made 1,000 more lists for how I need to become a better person (soooo much work to do on myself. It never ends...). I have talked the issue to death with those around me. Endured ALL kinds of advice [insert eye roll here]. I have ignored my feelings. I have analyzed my feelings. Wondered if it was me. Maybe my past made me this way? Am I cursed? I have tried to get into relationships with those who weren't willing to match my commitment, and consequently became jaded in my outlook of love.

And now? Now, I just kind of accepted where I'm at. I'm 30. Not old yet. Not young, though. Just......is what it is. At this point, I still somehow, with that little shred of hope in me, still believe that God will bless me someday. I don't know when. I could be 80. I would meet him in the nursing home when my walker accidentally trips him and he fractures his hip but I'll be in his hospital room every day for the rest of our lives because it doesn't matter that I found him at 80. I finally found him and I will cherish and take care of the relationship that God will have blessed me with, if that's His plan. It could also be a couple of years from now. That one is hard to believe. I tear up just thinking about God answering my prayer. I can't imagine what Sarah must have felt when she found out God was finally answering her prayer. Probably a thousand different emotions. I would love to talk to her and find out what she went through. Was it worth it in the end? I think she would say yes.

Because when God promises something, when He plans it, when He sets it into motion, and you are letting go and living your life and ENJOYING it and finding out what makes your heart turn on and your passions glow and you are feeding the world and you are really LIVING your life and making a difference and becoming a better person through really hard lessons and circumstances, when you are busy living the life He blessed you with, and HE brings someone into your life that you don't have to worry about leaving you or lying to you or whether or not they really love you, I think then you realize really how big God is. You realize that you wouldn't have Him any other way. I am a vessel. Less of me, more of Him. It's so beautiful that way.

Anyway, there's a lot more to the Abraham and Sarah story, even after they get the miracle they prayed for. God is never done with us. He is always going to ask us to trust Him and ask us to do hard things. But He'll never ask us to do something that will ultimately ruin us. It will always be for our good. We are His beloved people. He is enamored with us and wants the best for us. I'm taking comfort in that in my waiting season. I'm not idly waiting, mind you. I'm embracing and adventuring and learning and I think that's what He wants. I shouldn't get bogged down in the details of how it will happen; just keep doing my thing and having fun and blessing others until He knows it's the exact right time for me. And I know it'll be perfect.