"A delay does not mean a denial."
Lately, the story of Abraham and Sarah has really been getting to me. How many times have I heard the story? It didn't resonate until now. Do you know how long they waited? How many mistakes they made while waiting? How many times they wondered? God really dragged out His promise to them. He made them wait.
How is that fair?
This is the Bible we're talking about. God doesn't make mistakes. So what does that mean for Sarah? How is that comforting when she cried for 25 years for her dream to come true? And she was past the point of logically, physically, normally having children.
I relate to Sarah So. Much. I have been waiting for my heart's desire since I was 4. Yes, I was 4 years old when I knew I wanted to be married. I didn't really grasp what it meant then but all I knew is that I wanted to marry Richard Dean Anderson, aka MacGuyver. Mullets, man. Anyway, so here I am 26 years later (that's 1 more year...so far...than Sarah waited. Although I'm not as old as she was. But I'm getting close...) and STILL waiting for someone. How is that fair? How is my faith supposed to be comforting when God hasn't responded to my years of praying?
I've gone through many different emotional seasons, as you can imagine. I have hoped beyond hope. I have practically given up and thought that maybe God just doesn't want me to be in a relationship; maybe I'm just supposed to be a really strong, single, independent female role model for young women who think that marriage is the ultimate goal; to show them they can be strong without needing someone to complete them. I have made a list for what I want in my future husband. I have made 1,000 more lists for how I need to become a better person (soooo much work to do on myself. It never ends...). I have talked the issue to death with those around me. Endured ALL kinds of advice [insert eye roll here]. I have ignored my feelings. I have analyzed my feelings. Wondered if it was me. Maybe my past made me this way? Am I cursed? I have tried to get into relationships with those who weren't willing to match my commitment, and consequently became jaded in my outlook of love.
And now? Now, I just kind of accepted where I'm at. I'm 30. Not old yet. Not young, though. Just......is what it is. At this point, I still somehow, with that little shred of hope in me, still believe that God will bless me someday. I don't know when. I could be 80. I would meet him in the nursing home when my walker accidentally trips him and he fractures his hip but I'll be in his hospital room every day for the rest of our lives because it doesn't matter that I found him at 80. I finally found him and I will cherish and take care of the relationship that God will have blessed me with, if that's His plan. It could also be a couple of years from now. That one is hard to believe. I tear up just thinking about God answering my prayer. I can't imagine what Sarah must have felt when she found out God was finally answering her prayer. Probably a thousand different emotions. I would love to talk to her and find out what she went through. Was it worth it in the end? I think she would say yes.
Because when God promises something, when He plans it, when He sets it into motion, and you are letting go and living your life and ENJOYING it and finding out what makes your heart turn on and your passions glow and you are feeding the world and you are really LIVING your life and making a difference and becoming a better person through really hard lessons and circumstances, when you are busy living the life He blessed you with, and HE brings someone into your life that you don't have to worry about leaving you or lying to you or whether or not they really love you, I think then you realize really how big God is. You realize that you wouldn't have Him any other way. I am a vessel. Less of me, more of Him. It's so beautiful that way.
Anyway, there's a lot more to the Abraham and Sarah story, even after they get the miracle they prayed for. God is never done with us. He is always going to ask us to trust Him and ask us to do hard things. But He'll never ask us to do something that will ultimately ruin us. It will always be for our good. We are His beloved people. He is enamored with us and wants the best for us. I'm taking comfort in that in my waiting season. I'm not idly waiting, mind you. I'm embracing and adventuring and learning and I think that's what He wants. I shouldn't get bogged down in the details of how it will happen; just keep doing my thing and having fun and blessing others until He knows it's the exact right time for me. And I know it'll be perfect.
Monday, October 17, 2016
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Full Stop
I don't deserve to be treated like shit. I don't deserve it at all.
The problem with caring and having a heart for the broken people of the world is that I get hurt on their broken pieces a lot.
I willingly do this. But I have to make sure it's worth it. Someone who won't cut me down over and over. Someone who sees my priceless worth.
Because I truly deserve the best.
The problem with caring and having a heart for the broken people of the world is that I get hurt on their broken pieces a lot.
I willingly do this. But I have to make sure it's worth it. Someone who won't cut me down over and over. Someone who sees my priceless worth.
Because I truly deserve the best.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Escalator
I know that I am walking into this with eyes wide open and deliberate steps. It's like I'm on one of those flat escalators and I see a sign at the end of it saying, "Point of No Return". And I'm torn because I don't want to be on the escalator. I know I'm not supposed to be on that escalator. I know that's not what the plan is. But I have never had an experience like this before and I've always wanted to know what it's like.
I know I'm settling. But it's also addictive. It hasn't overtaken me.
Yet.
But I know that sign keeps looming closer and closer and if I don't make a decision soon, I may be sucked in. I've held on for so long and refused to get on the escalator. I stayed on the sidelines like a good girl and I've been proud of myself even. I was going to wait there until the time was right. But I also craved love something fierce all my life. How could I resist something I've been denied for so long?
But who am I kidding?! This isn't love! I'm only hoping that it could actually become that one day. Although, he's made it very clear it never will be. Still, I've always been the hopeful fool. I believe in God's miracles and I believe when the time is right, God will perform one in my life and it will be because I've believed for so very long and have known all the while He was looking out for me, saving me in so many situations, and loving and desiring me so much more than I can comprehend right now.
So, why can't I respond with what I know He wants me to do? Why do I still feel like I'd be missing out if I don't try this? I honestly would regret not trying.
So, the sign looms closer. And all I can do is pray that God saves me from myself and teaches me to trust Him for the 2,493rd time. Actually, that number is probably very conservative.
In the end, no matter what, I know Who my heart belongs to and that's why I walk forward with no fear. Even if I get to that sign, I'm not worried because Jesus is there the whole time and I know His will is done for now and evermore.
I know I'm settling. But it's also addictive. It hasn't overtaken me.
Yet.
But I know that sign keeps looming closer and closer and if I don't make a decision soon, I may be sucked in. I've held on for so long and refused to get on the escalator. I stayed on the sidelines like a good girl and I've been proud of myself even. I was going to wait there until the time was right. But I also craved love something fierce all my life. How could I resist something I've been denied for so long?
But who am I kidding?! This isn't love! I'm only hoping that it could actually become that one day. Although, he's made it very clear it never will be. Still, I've always been the hopeful fool. I believe in God's miracles and I believe when the time is right, God will perform one in my life and it will be because I've believed for so very long and have known all the while He was looking out for me, saving me in so many situations, and loving and desiring me so much more than I can comprehend right now.
So, why can't I respond with what I know He wants me to do? Why do I still feel like I'd be missing out if I don't try this? I honestly would regret not trying.
So, the sign looms closer. And all I can do is pray that God saves me from myself and teaches me to trust Him for the 2,493rd time. Actually, that number is probably very conservative.
In the end, no matter what, I know Who my heart belongs to and that's why I walk forward with no fear. Even if I get to that sign, I'm not worried because Jesus is there the whole time and I know His will is done for now and evermore.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Monday, March 31, 2014
It is well with my soul.
Recently, I decided to let go of someone who has become important to me over the course of the last 5 months. I haven't wanted to. I've resisted. I've tried to push the envelope and make it happen with him anyway. I've hoped and prayed and tried to pursue it in my own way and timing.
I keep forgetting that God is in charge of my life. He holds my heart first. I am His because no one else has sacrificed for me like He did. No one loves me as much as He does. He loves me!! All to Him I owe.
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. The Lord has given me this wonderful guy in my life. I learned and experienced and fell hard for him. And it was beautiful. And now the Lord is asking me to let go. It is painful. But it is well with my soul. Because I believe that God loves me and His plan and timing for my future husband surpasses mine. I don't know much. I have no control over anything. God gives to me and I receive in a way that glorifies Him and when He decides to take it away, I must realize it was not mine to begin with but the Lord's. He is in control. I trust Him.
So I am letting go. I am giving it back, surrendering. Because I can't change that boy. I can't save him. That has to be God. I believe that God can do it. I believe that my God is a God of miracles. It might not happen on my time table or in the way I think it will, because I'm focused on my own pleasure and desires. But I'll keep praying because I believe in God's way above all and I want to be a part of the mission. I care about that man and I want him to have the joy, peace, forgiveness, and love that I experience from my Savior. Even if I can't have him in my life, I want him to know what it's like to be truly loved and the freedom and joy that comes from that.
"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
But, Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!"
I keep forgetting that God is in charge of my life. He holds my heart first. I am His because no one else has sacrificed for me like He did. No one loves me as much as He does. He loves me!! All to Him I owe.
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. The Lord has given me this wonderful guy in my life. I learned and experienced and fell hard for him. And it was beautiful. And now the Lord is asking me to let go. It is painful. But it is well with my soul. Because I believe that God loves me and His plan and timing for my future husband surpasses mine. I don't know much. I have no control over anything. God gives to me and I receive in a way that glorifies Him and when He decides to take it away, I must realize it was not mine to begin with but the Lord's. He is in control. I trust Him.
So I am letting go. I am giving it back, surrendering. Because I can't change that boy. I can't save him. That has to be God. I believe that God can do it. I believe that my God is a God of miracles. It might not happen on my time table or in the way I think it will, because I'm focused on my own pleasure and desires. But I'll keep praying because I believe in God's way above all and I want to be a part of the mission. I care about that man and I want him to have the joy, peace, forgiveness, and love that I experience from my Savior. Even if I can't have him in my life, I want him to know what it's like to be truly loved and the freedom and joy that comes from that.
"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
But, Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!"
Friday, December 13, 2013
hope
why do we always go for the people we can't have?
seriously.
it's like i'm somehow compulsively attracted to the ones it will never work out with--even when consciously i think it will. is there a bigger force at factor? am i subconsciously sabotaging myself and not even knowing it? i try so hard to be honest with myself and my own feelings. granted, i will concede that i know but a pinch of the knowledge that exists in this universe and even then i choose to focus on a fraction of that knowledge because i am human and i don't have the ability to consider every option from every angle and all of the other factors at work on all levels. but i try to have a sober and open mind to consider the issues that come up in my life and when i listen to others talk about theirs.
there are some days where i have a large handful of men that give me a second glance or a shy smile and i brush them off like it's no big deal. because why? because i'm not attracted to them. because i don't feel that instant connection with them. because, honestly, they aren't what i'm looking for.
i want something undeniable. i want something i simply cannot ignore. it overtakes me in the best possible way and changes me to be a better person everyday. i want something passionate, grounding, empowering, freeing, clarifying, comfortable, fun, and loving. one of my favorite quotes says, "unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. there are too many mediocre things in life; love should not be one of them." i believe that with every fiber of my being. don't settle. i don't want something normal and nice. i want something that i can't help but believe in. that draws me in and entrances me.
luckily, i have a love like that already. my relationship with christ has been growing steadily and has provided me with all of the above attributes and so much more. i am in love with my savior. he brings me to happy tears a lot. he loves me more than any human can. i am eternally grateful and forever his.
but
i still want one of those earthly, this side of heaven relationships. even god said, "it is not good for man to be alone." it's not good for me to be alone! i have it written in my heart. this is my daily struggle. i have learned so much through this struggle. it has made me more compassionate, wiser, more trusting in my lord, and it has pushed me beyond my limits to rest in the only one who has the answers. i am grateful to god for this struggle and all it has taught me and shaped me into. all the people i have made a connection with because of it, whether i was helping them or (probably most of the time) when they were helping me, has been worth it. praise god!
the point of this post is mostly to encourage myself. because when it doesn't work out with someone, and things seem hopeless, i know in my bones it isn't. i will always have hope. even if i never end up with someone and i am single for the rest of my life. i have hope in something greater. that doesn't mean i wouldn't struggle everyday with the why or the despair i would feel, i would just know there was a bigger purpose and that i still have work to do and people to help because i am in the lord's service. but god knows my heart and he knows every tear i cry and every inexpressible pang of hurt or loneliness i feel. i know that he will answer my prayer someday.
seriously.
it's like i'm somehow compulsively attracted to the ones it will never work out with--even when consciously i think it will. is there a bigger force at factor? am i subconsciously sabotaging myself and not even knowing it? i try so hard to be honest with myself and my own feelings. granted, i will concede that i know but a pinch of the knowledge that exists in this universe and even then i choose to focus on a fraction of that knowledge because i am human and i don't have the ability to consider every option from every angle and all of the other factors at work on all levels. but i try to have a sober and open mind to consider the issues that come up in my life and when i listen to others talk about theirs.
there are some days where i have a large handful of men that give me a second glance or a shy smile and i brush them off like it's no big deal. because why? because i'm not attracted to them. because i don't feel that instant connection with them. because, honestly, they aren't what i'm looking for.
i want something undeniable. i want something i simply cannot ignore. it overtakes me in the best possible way and changes me to be a better person everyday. i want something passionate, grounding, empowering, freeing, clarifying, comfortable, fun, and loving. one of my favorite quotes says, "unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. there are too many mediocre things in life; love should not be one of them." i believe that with every fiber of my being. don't settle. i don't want something normal and nice. i want something that i can't help but believe in. that draws me in and entrances me.
luckily, i have a love like that already. my relationship with christ has been growing steadily and has provided me with all of the above attributes and so much more. i am in love with my savior. he brings me to happy tears a lot. he loves me more than any human can. i am eternally grateful and forever his.
but
i still want one of those earthly, this side of heaven relationships. even god said, "it is not good for man to be alone." it's not good for me to be alone! i have it written in my heart. this is my daily struggle. i have learned so much through this struggle. it has made me more compassionate, wiser, more trusting in my lord, and it has pushed me beyond my limits to rest in the only one who has the answers. i am grateful to god for this struggle and all it has taught me and shaped me into. all the people i have made a connection with because of it, whether i was helping them or (probably most of the time) when they were helping me, has been worth it. praise god!
the point of this post is mostly to encourage myself. because when it doesn't work out with someone, and things seem hopeless, i know in my bones it isn't. i will always have hope. even if i never end up with someone and i am single for the rest of my life. i have hope in something greater. that doesn't mean i wouldn't struggle everyday with the why or the despair i would feel, i would just know there was a bigger purpose and that i still have work to do and people to help because i am in the lord's service. but god knows my heart and he knows every tear i cry and every inexpressible pang of hurt or loneliness i feel. i know that he will answer my prayer someday.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
doubt
i have been obsessed with the idea of love for as long as i can remember. the idea that you love someone so much that you become this incredibly happy person and you smile like an idiot and all your free time is spent thinking about this person and you want to do cute things for him or her and it's just one big long love fest where you are so focused on someone else's happiness that you become filled with joy in the process.
and why have i been stuck on this idea for so long? sure it's great. but is it the greatest thing? i've pinned all my hopes on this and waited for it and worked on myself for it. i've set my life goals to revolve around this idea because it wasn't even a question in my mind that one day i would be married.
i just didn't think it would take this long.
okay yes i am picky. i don't regret it though. if i have such a strong desire for this then it isn't something to take lightly. it would have been incredibly easy to find anyone to fill that role i wanted so badly. and it could have happened a few times. but the time was never right and it never worked out in my favor. i never wanted to settle.
i was praying today and asking god why. why do i have to wait so long for something i've wanted for my entire life? that i've been trying to wait patiently for and coming up with millions of excuses why it hasn't happened yet? gifts from god aren't something you work for. it's a gift after all. so if it's a gift, then why has god seen me unfit to receive yet? am i doing something wrong?? am i missing some big truth that's right in front of my face?
of course i know that i am doing my best and that this is not something i am going to earn. i know plenty of women my age or older that are still single. and they are strong, independent women who still have hope too. that is so inspiring. because sometimes i feel like just giving up. just throwing up my hands and saying "well i gave it a good 23 years but clearly it's not happening so it's time to move on." but i look at these women and think about how they are still being true to who they are and still learning and growing and they don't need a human being to complete their life. and i remember that i am an individual and that i have so many things to accomplish on my own if necessary. if that's my lot in life. and that is okay. i asked god to remind me that he is the one that sustains me and the reason i am alive and breathing everyday. i want him only to be the source of my happiness and hope. because if he isn't (i'm sure you've heard the cliche before...) then no one can fill that spot.
but i'm still wondering why.
how do you forget something you crave? i pray to find my purpose. i would love to find what i love and be able to fully throw myself into it and put all my attention and energy into it to help others instead of focusing so much on myself and what i desire. because it isn't the be all end all of life. i can still live a purposeful and meaningful life even if i'm on my own for the rest of my life. i just pray that that's not the case.
and why have i been stuck on this idea for so long? sure it's great. but is it the greatest thing? i've pinned all my hopes on this and waited for it and worked on myself for it. i've set my life goals to revolve around this idea because it wasn't even a question in my mind that one day i would be married.
i just didn't think it would take this long.
okay yes i am picky. i don't regret it though. if i have such a strong desire for this then it isn't something to take lightly. it would have been incredibly easy to find anyone to fill that role i wanted so badly. and it could have happened a few times. but the time was never right and it never worked out in my favor. i never wanted to settle.
i was praying today and asking god why. why do i have to wait so long for something i've wanted for my entire life? that i've been trying to wait patiently for and coming up with millions of excuses why it hasn't happened yet? gifts from god aren't something you work for. it's a gift after all. so if it's a gift, then why has god seen me unfit to receive yet? am i doing something wrong?? am i missing some big truth that's right in front of my face?
of course i know that i am doing my best and that this is not something i am going to earn. i know plenty of women my age or older that are still single. and they are strong, independent women who still have hope too. that is so inspiring. because sometimes i feel like just giving up. just throwing up my hands and saying "well i gave it a good 23 years but clearly it's not happening so it's time to move on." but i look at these women and think about how they are still being true to who they are and still learning and growing and they don't need a human being to complete their life. and i remember that i am an individual and that i have so many things to accomplish on my own if necessary. if that's my lot in life. and that is okay. i asked god to remind me that he is the one that sustains me and the reason i am alive and breathing everyday. i want him only to be the source of my happiness and hope. because if he isn't (i'm sure you've heard the cliche before...) then no one can fill that spot.
but i'm still wondering why.
how do you forget something you crave? i pray to find my purpose. i would love to find what i love and be able to fully throw myself into it and put all my attention and energy into it to help others instead of focusing so much on myself and what i desire. because it isn't the be all end all of life. i can still live a purposeful and meaningful life even if i'm on my own for the rest of my life. i just pray that that's not the case.
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